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Elite service dogs
Once that DJ started playing Hall & Oat's "Private Eyes", I knew it was time to make my escape.
I really need to make friends outside of my Elite Special Agent / International Spy Circles. It’s far too small a world, and It’s becoming quite a bore, as a recent annual conclave at the Spy Spa Retreat proved. Why did I even go? What was I thinking?
Laura “Empress of the Universe” Croft and I are back on speaking terms (since she finally returned my Kunikane). And… let’s just say Laura’s issues have issues. Our first night there she had too much to drink and got carried away, going on and on how “… I’d leave it all behind in a heartbeat if I could just find a good man who loves me for who I am and settle down, I’m not getting any younger Vulva and I’d like to have a baby – I don’t know, maybe six, I could adopt…” Christ, she’s seriously lost her edge.
The Good news: my ex, James “Quantum of Lame” Bond was a no-show. I swear if I have to watch him talk with his mouth full one more time I’m gonna flick a cyanide capsule in his trap myself. But I digress… The Bad news: They reason for his absence, according to Iterpol, is because he was tied up getting my Stupid Sister Viva past customs. Those two really do deserve each other. If they ever moved in together, it would literally be a house of mirrors. The two vainest people I know.
Ethan “Runt” Hunt managed to tear himself away from his latest project “Operation: Glory Hole” (which he is taking FOREVER to “research” in San Francisco) and grace us with his presence. He’s absolutely unbearable these days, always trying so hard to be the strongest/fastest/best-liked in that overcompensating way that short, closeted Scientologists often do. But I digress.
The “Bourne” Boob was there and all mopey, sitting alone posing at the end of the bar. He was never terribly interesting in the first place. But lately, he seems to be taking himself (and his image) a little too seriously, like he’s trying to be George Clooney or Brad Pitt. I’ll give him credit though, he’s dressing much more nicely these days.
The Cessna awaits and I’m slipping away for a real holiday at an undisclosed location with an unnamed travel companion. This is one Secret Agent who likes to keep her secrets secret… Ciao, darling!
Riding like a willies (as the SEAL's say) on my ATV Quad.
I’ve given up trying to keep track of how often I hear, “Vulva, you’re always so upbeat and energetic. What keeps you going?”
It’s no big surprise: Happiness. But of course, one cannot will genuine happiness. It must come from the inside. And nothing makes me happier than time with old friends.
When I saw a break in my impossibly busy schedule, I decided to pack up the the ATV and head to the desert to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face (fear not — our weapons department has invented a sunscreen that is SPF 99, exfoliates, and erases fine lines (patent pending).
Cheeky doesn't even begin to describe her!
The fun in the sun would have enough to recharge my batteries. But fate had an unexpected surprise in store for me… I ran into my fellow ARDOR rookie of the year (we tied!), Carlotta de Blanc! She ended up leaving the agency pretty early on. Carla is very enterprising and she saw a business opportunity she couldn’t pass up (she also found a place — Nye County, NV – where her specialty is legal). Carlotta really wasn’t fond of all the travel that being an agent demands. She’s a “collector”, if you will. So things worked out well for her. She still gets to meet exciting people from all over the world; difference is they come to her now. Little known fact: she made The Bourne Boob cry when they were partnered up once! They had a hit together, and let’s just say that – in front of the targets, yet — Bourne didn’t quite give her the respect she deserved in pulling off the job singlehandedly (because HE was hungover and had to run to the bathroom at the last minute). Even the targets were on her side! Anyhow, he never made that mistake again, and it was then and there that she christened him Boob. But I digress…
So you can imagine my surprise when I stoped into a local watering hole for my post-Quad constitutional — and there on the bar was Carlotta! She hasn’t changed a bit. So she gave me a tour of her new “house” and after she got the evenings clients sorted out, we relaxed by trying out some her newly-acquired vintage WWII gun collection in a nearby mountain range under the desert’s full moon.
Now you know how I stay upbeat and energized: Work hard, play hard. I have fun, full life! And as you can see, lovely friends.
It's a tradition when Yves and I are together, the red berets.
I spent the weekend in Paris, sort-of a working holiday. A chance to catch up with my dear darling friend Yves (he is so much fun to shop with!), as well as test a new gadget from our weapons department: a machine that samples DNA of everyone within 50 yards. And it has a species setting, so you can choose the DNA sampling size that’s right for your needs. We thought we’d try it out at the Centre Pompidou (a modern art museum). It blended nicely with their current exhibit. And.. it worked beautifully!
The only downside of the whole weekend: Jimmy “Quantum of Needy” Bond won’t stop texting me. And I refuse to change my number again. Even if I did, He’d always be able to get it again. If only he could get a life as easily.
Let's race!
Some people restore and revitalize by purging their bodies of toxins. I do so by purging my body of adrenaline. You might be surprised how much adrelaline my body can secrete. I suppose it’s why I’m so good at what I do: facing death on a daily basis (usually under indescribably terrifying circumstances), while having to maintain a facade of glamorous calm.
So when I do get some time off, I don’t want to think about glamour, or calm, or anything else that reminds me of work. I just want to have a little fun. And what better way than on my trusty Nighthawk? Sure it’s a quaint little machine, but it has such sentimental value. Merci, Georges!
With Special Agent “Miguel” (not his real name) in St. Barts. He was THE BEST underwater assassin EVER! Known in some circles as “The Clown”, he is no longer with us. Sadly, he went down in the Cirque du Soleil “Zumanity” job in Las Vegas this past summer.
At a Special Agent Mix & Mingle at the home of “Matchmaker to the Spies” Twlighta Fontanella (pictured, center) in London.
Graduation day: So proud of Agent Barbie Braun (not her real name) for graduating top of her class in Advanced Sniper Techniques in Kiev.
One of the few pictures where Viva's not passed out.
With my stupid sister Viva and my dear, darling Yves at his birthday bash in Paris.
Special Agent “Drillbit Kit” (that’s just his nickname), at my Pied a Terre in Hong Kong. I like to think I taught him everything he knows
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