The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

Ask Vulva: My New Beauty and Wellness Column!

Take the time to recharge. I insist!

During some recent required “down time”, I got a chance to catch up on my fan mail and was overwhelmed by the number of requests for tips on how to maintain a health/beauty/fitness/wellness regime on an impossibly busy schedule. All the while dodging danger, yet.

Well, you’ve come to the right gal. Because no one knows more about creating and maintaining an on-the-go-glow than yours truly. But rather than me telling you what I think is best, why don’t you ask me what’s on your mind now. If you have questions about diet, exercise, makeup — or anything else to make you feel like the best glamorous Elite Super-Agent you can be (or long to be), don’t be shy! I can assure you: Vulva knows! Please send your questions to vulva@vulvafervor.com.

Stretching: The Truth.

If only I had a Euro for every time I heard “Vulva, you put so many demands on your body in your line of work. How do you find balance and relief?”

It’s no mystery. The key is developing a stretching series that is right for you. I do not have time to take a class, or even do even one conventional exercise, for that matter. So I must incorporate stretching into my everyday routine. And as always, creativity is the key. Follow me, I show you.

Side Stretch: When dressing and donning my accoutrement each day, I make sure to position myself in such a way that each action requires a deep, perfectly-aligned stretch.

For example: Standing with my vanity just to my right, I raise my arms and elongate my torso. Then I lean and reach to the right (hips out to the left and parallel to the wall facing you). I lean until I am able to reach my Beretta 418. Return to where you started — alway remember, you want to elongate. Arms down, turn 180 degrees and repeat on the other side, reaching for my Walther PPK.

Go. Now you try it.

The Importance of Exercise

I get asked all the time: “Vulva, how do you stay so fit and attractive with such a demanding lifestyle?”

And it’s true, there’s little time for sleep and beauty treatments in my world. So one has to get creative. Fortunately, due the physically demanding nature of my work, I get a full day’s workout everyday. And on many evenings as well (when I’m lucky). I believe in jumping on every opportunity to squeeze in a little extra exercise whenever and wherever I can — you never know when that opportunity will arise again.

What it comes down to: I have absolutely no fitness tips for you, other than: get an exciting and dangerous career with constant physical demand. And of course keeping such a demanding job requires that you were blessed with amazing genes in the first place, like I was. Hope that helps.

Good luck!

A Better Complexion Via Martinis

I can’t tell you how many times people stop me to say “Vulva, you always look so radiant. How do you do it?”

While a rigorous physical regime helps keep my skin aglow, sometimes even I need a little extra help. Here’s a tip that works for me, and it fits seamlessly in my on-the-go lifestyle:

Next time you find yourself out on the town and realize your skin looks a little tired, order a vodka martini, up, with a twist. The twist is key. The alcohol in the vodka will tighten and refresh pores, the chill from the ice will invigorate, bringing blood to the surface and give a healthy glow, the the acid in the twist acts as a sort-of “fruit peel”, getting rid of dry dead surface cells to reveal fresh skin beneath the surface.

But mystery is of the element. Do not perform the Martini Quik-Lift publicly. Discreetly excuse yourself to the Ladies Lounge — you might want to pack your own cotton pads (cotton balls are too messy). Dip into the martini, blot,  and gently sweep over the visage when there are no witnesses present.