The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

Mole alert! Abort joint mission between ARDOR and MRS!

Substantial reward offered for anyone with knowledge of who might have taken this photo of yours truly and the head of the MRS.

What started with good vibrations has ended in pure frustration.

A clandestine meeting between yours truly the head of the MRS has raised alarms, since apparently news of our collaboration was leaked. Details of the mission (and subsequent breach) cannot be detailed at this time. Both ARDOR and the MRS are on high alert. Please notify Twilite Fontanelle if you have any news about this alarming development. Security status: Code Red.

Perhaps it’s a coincidence, but Interpol reports that my Stupid Sister Viva is back in the states. Apparently my ex, James “Quantum of Lame” Bond got her past customs. If she had anything to do with this, then they’re both walking targets in my book.

I’ve been kidnapped. And I am so embarrassed.

One position I thought I'd never be in: hostage.

And I have no one to blame but myself. I’m a highly-trained elite agent. It’s my job to have nerves of steel and not be distracted and let my guard down enough to get KIDNAPPED. Even if the cause is my stupid sister Viva incessantly screeching “I lost my wallet!” (what else is new?) when we’re supposed to be on holiday in Flekkefjord. No, that’s no excuse on my part. But it’s starting to interfere with my work, which is extremely problematic. And that’s why we’re in family counseling. But I digress…

Back “on topic”, as our counselor is fond of saying: I’m making the most of the situation. I’m certain that my kidnapping is somehow tied in with the recent disappearance of several other agents, mostly from RANCOR and some from ARDOR… So my antennae is up and I’m taking notes. My Finnish is a little rusty, but so far I think my captor (Matti) is — or until recently was — with RANCOR. Which is odd… But fear not. He’s taking very good care of me. The food of course is hit-and-miss, but the vodka is  pure and chilled. And it goes without saying Finns are obsessively clean. So no rush breaking me out of here, ARDOR. I’m quite comfortable. Let me do a little more recon. I’ll use the infrared signaling device when my “mission” is accomplished.

What's a hostage shot without a NYT frontpage dateline?

On the bright side: the Jimmy Choo boots that our gadgets team (Ivan, you are a genius!!!) rigged with an emergency overnight kit works marvelously. All our fears of its functionality proved to be for naught: I was actually “typing” out the text of this entire message with my right heel’s microkeyboard while Matti was taking pictures as souvenirs. As you can see, the detail enhancement device works even better than expected. (The newspaper headline was my idea.)

Trying to find some decent Finnsheep lomein...

In fact, Matti didn’t even realize I took a picture of the picture he took (what you see at the top of this message) with the nano-camo built into the boot’s buckle. The picture I took of him ordering take-out was a test run. He has no idea of this transmission, for that matter. Boy, is he ever in for a surprise! (By the way: brilliant work on Ivan’s part to think to include an international long-distance wi-fi locator and to build one that actually works. On such short notice yet!)

There is a slight problem with the dispenser for the vitamin C Serum I requested, so I’ve gone days without product. I can feel my complexion dulling as we speak, so THAT needs to be addressed ASAP. Oh, also — still haven’t been able to open the infrared location signaler. I’m keeping it warm so its lid should loosen enough hopefully by the time I need it.

We’re enjoying an awful lot of Finnsheep (that’s a smell you never forget), so we’re definitely near Hyvinkaa. Point your own antennae in the general direction until next contact…

High Alert…

The only clue at the scene: US Military smoke bomb from Roswell, NM. I didn't even know they still made them.

Imagine my relief when I found RANCOR agent known as “The Beagle” alive — though just barely. He’s called The Beagle because of his extraordinary sense of smell. Back when were just starting out (in Paris), both taking a course in Urban Planning & Design and Sniper Strategy,  he used to bring me the most extraordinary perfumes from around the world!  We were so young. There was this one time, he nearly got arrested trying to

…I’m sorry, I got a little off-topic. The good news he’s going to be 100% — as are his olfactories.

But this is part of a much larger and far more serious problem. Several agents from both ARDOR and rival agency RANCOR have been kidnapped. Gone without a trace. Even I am required to have a bodyguard now, which is almost surreal. The Beagle is the first to be located (after much hard work on the part of Yours Truly). We’re still searching for the others and hopefully today’s breakthrough will shed some light…

Blackmail!

Pay up, A.R.D.O.R.!

It appears I’m under surveillance. An envelope containing a series of photographs was recently sent to A.R.D.O.R. — along with some, um, “demands”. I can only reproduce this one because the others reveal a target that I had under serveillance and was tailing on the day the photos were taken.

Bond, if this is you trying to get even for last weekend is Paraguay, three words: LET IT GO. But I suspect it’s not; this isn’t really your style…

What is this “My Adultland”?

I must admit, the resemblance is uncanny.

Apparently I have a doppleganger in San Francisco. It’s been pointed out to me that if you visit myadultland.com, you can step inside the quaint life of someone who bears a remarkable resemblance to yours truly. I’ll have to look her up when next I visit The City By The Bay. It would be nice to spend time with a civilian for a change. Someone with a normal life.

Strange activity…

Going deep undercover; deadline TBD.  Recent strange activity, per HQ: Sudden surge in hits on www for my name, per various fringe domestic sources and INTERPOL. Upon further investigation, there’s been much cross-referencing my name and the Swedish automobile maker, Volvo.

Time for a little backstory:

Because of a recent fallout with our comrades in Sweden (who now aren’t speaking to us — though you can’t tell the difference, they’re so standoffish ALL THE TIME), HQ thinks there’s very real cause for concern. We may even be looking at a mole.

Updates to follow on a need-to-know basis.