The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

“Viva Hearts Tiger!”

Yes darling, “Viva Hearts Tiger!” That is the text message I received.

My stupid sister Viva meant to send it to her new boyfriend. The one she met recently while she’s in treatment (again) for sex addiction. Instead, she sent it to her entire contact list. Probably on purpose. Anything for attention, that’s our Viva!

Fortunately the tabloids contacted me first, and now I’m off to break the news to Elin. I am not looking forward to this — that woman has a temper, boy! The jet’s been fueled up, and I plan on taking her and the children to someplace remote (with lots of open space) for the weekend. I suppose we gals will be getting quite fueled up ourselves. I’ve even invited Lara “Empress of the Universe” Croft — word is she’s got the itch again. This may turn out to be a very interesting weekend, just we ladies…

Operation: Litcrawl (a/k/a “Litquake”) or let’s get “Dirty In The Alley”, darling!

I'm just waiting on the man. Or woman.

Location: Clarion Alley, to be exact (October 17, 2009, 18:00 PST) for Operation: Litcrawl, as part of Litquake. Members of the Mrs Robinson’s Society will be on hand to provide impossibly stylish security detail (and secure the perimeter so there are no surprises courtesy of my Stupid Sister Viva). It will be an evening you and yours truly won’t soon forget. You can learn more by clicking HERE (not a secure channel, darling).

The Final Session of Sibling Psychotherapy

Here’s one chapter I’m more than happy to see come to a close: my stupid sister Viva and I had our final session of sibling psychotherapy. Not because we have “Healed Our Shared Wound” or “Built a Bridge of Love” nor any other of the lamebrained goals Tak Ishii set for us.

It’s because he’s sueing us (and ARDOR) if Viva ever comes within 100 yards of him. My two new favorite words: Restraining Order.

Tak wanted us to do the impossible: a Trust Exercise. You’ve seen it before, where one person falls backward, the other catches them in their arms. I tried telling him it was a huge mistake, but Dr. 100%-Success-Rate wouldn’t believe me.

The first half was fine. I caught Viva. All 98 pounds of her. But darling you don’t think I was going to trust her to do that same, do you? I mean, the girl has the attention span of a fruitfly. And I cannot afford injury right now, as we’re about to go into our busy season at ARDOR. Many terrorists get restless at summer’s end for some reason. It’s the oddest thing. Some liken it to that back-to-school melancholy of youth, though it’s been my experience that most terrorists are not highly educated (formally, that is). But I digress…

Tak thought I was greatly underestimating Viva. So to show me a thing or two, he stepped in, awaiting her to catch him. And of course, at the exact moment he was falling backward, Little Miss Popular got a text message. Priorities, priorities!

He crashed into his $12,000 mother of pearl inlaid glass sculpture. He got a concussion and was hospitalized overnight. Oh, and the blood from that gash!

The good news is my time is now my own again, so that I may focus on what is important. World Peace. As for Viva, I’ve no idea. She was ordered by the state of California to stay away until after Fleet Week is over, as a result of that “performance” she put on for the Blue Angels last year (the one that shut down the Golden Gate Bridge for seven hours). I pray this time she’s learned. But I sense otherwise.

A new category of torture for the CIA: psychotherapy with my stupid sister Viva.

All of Tak’s efforts at bringing closer together  Viva “call me VFer” (don’t ask) and yours truly are beginning to feel like a lesson in futility (from this point known as an “LFu” — much easier for VFer to pronounce).

This week started with another little exercise, this one: Role Reversal. We had to pretend we were each other and say what we like — and then, dislike — about one another. Then (still as the other person), what we like/disliked about ourselves. As you can imagine, it took hours just to explain this to VFer in terms she could actually grasp. Poor darling was tired after partying with the cast of “Gossip Girl” (?) the night before.

We breezed right through the “like” portion in no time. The dislike: let’s just say Tak was more than happy to share with us that stash of “happy pills” he seems to keep at-the-ready whenever we have an appointment.

Next was what Tak felt was a vital task: That we form a bond of touch. Yes, seriously. We assured him a hug was out of the question, so for now we played “hands”. just palm-to-palm. Like you see in films when family visits family in prison — only they’re fortunate enough to have a panel of glass between them (which is what I suggested).

We got through it. But for the first time in my life, I can honestly say I’m afraid. Afraid of what our next session holds in store…

My stupid sister Viva: putting the “psycho” in sibling psychotherapy.

Session 2 with Tak, and I don’t believe progress was made. He has established that we have a dependent (Viva on me, naturally) / co-dependent relationship. Yes darling I know, does it get any more cliche than that?

So he had us do an exercise where Little Miss Center-Of-The-Universe could not begin any sentence with “I” (talk about asking the impossible!); and yours truly could not begin any sentence with “You”. Then he asked us to express what we want from each other. Needless to say, the silence was deafening. And… I’ll spare you the details, but long story short, it came to fisticuffs. Again. Of course I had to restrain myself, me being a trained martial artist and Viva being the 99 lb. Queen of Blow.

Tak thinks his original goal of 6 months to a healthy relationship may have been overly optimistic, in hindsight.

Day 1 of sibling counseling with Viva La Diva

This is going to be a long, hard chapter in my life. I can tell already.

At ARDOR’s insistence, I’ve begun sibling counseling with my stupid sister Viva. On Monday, we met with Tak Ishii, one of the most esteemed psychologists and and author of several bestsellers, including Live — And Let Your Sibling Live and Love To Hate To Love.

Honestly, it never dawned on me to encourage her to put on some clothes for our appointment. Or ditch the beer. But That’s our Viva the Diva, straight off the plane from Vegas. As if you couldn’t have guessed that.

Wanting to make the most of the time and get to the genesis of our “differences”, Tak hypnotized us, and took us way back, all the way to our mother’s womb. Apparently, that’s when/where we had our first fight. Little Miss “Talks In Her Sleep” was at it even then — and that was the first time I tried to kill her (strangulation with the umbilical chord). So… Tak thinks we have a long road ahead of us. He’s hopeful, and if this is what it takes for me to be promoted to ARDOR’s Senior Executive International Peacekeeper, so be it. I’m a professional.

Now Hiring: Bodyguard

I’ve going to be on assignment in the middle east in a few short weeks, and the brains at ARDOR have decided that due to current unrest there, I will need a bodyguard. Can you believe that? A bodyguard!

But… I’ve warmed to the idea. Especially, I’ve warmed to the process of finding a bodyguard who meets all the demands of the job.

My first choice was naturally my protogee, “Drill Bit” Kit. But he’s deep undercover (where he does his best work); this time penetrating a rogue Arizona border-patrol militia. He sent me this snap, taken in their “secret headquarters” meeting basement. Which also doubles as a storehouse for bad ’80’s porn as well, Agent Kit reports.

Next I wanted Matti. You recall Matti from that silly “kidnapping” incident. Fortunately, we managed to put that whole thing behind us, and have grown rather close in recent months. The best thing about Matti is I wouldn’t have to train him at all. In fact, he’s taught me a few new “covert moves”, shall we say. Sadly, Matti is being deported as we speak. It seems they found out where he’s been staying. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it to my stupid sister Viva — who knows who she’s been talking (in her sleep) to lately. Idiot.

So, the search continues. Please send resume (along with headshot, references, and salary requirements) to vulva@vulvafervor.com

Welcome, darling. Come inside.

Technology Breakthrough: THE INVIGORATION RAY

Introducing the latest from ARDOR’s technology department: THE INVIGORATION RAY!

It’s a “thermostat” that lets you reset your body’s age on a molecular level. In addition to the obvious breakthrough in disease prevention and cure that this is, don’t think that aging beauties the world over aren’t clamoring to be the first to use it.

Cool your jets, Madonna, you’ll get your turn!

Whatever Facebook wants…

After some strident negotiations, Social Media Goliath Facebook has allowed me to return to their site, under one condition: I’m now represented on a page, rather than a profile.

I said “Honestly, darling, what’s the difference?”

But you know how Goliaths are, so I let The Big One win. For now. So please if you haven’t already, become a fan of my new page by following this link. And then the adventures can really begin…

Ciao!

V