The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

My stupid sister Viva: putting the “psycho” in sibling psychotherapy.

Session 2 with Tak, and I don’t believe progress was made. He has established that we have a dependent (Viva on me, naturally) / co-dependent relationship. Yes darling I know, does it get any more cliche than that?

So he had us do an exercise where Little Miss Center-Of-The-Universe could not begin any sentence with “I” (talk about asking the impossible!); and yours truly could not begin any sentence with “You”. Then he asked us to express what we want from each other. Needless to say, the silence was deafening. And… I’ll spare you the details, but long story short, it came to fisticuffs. Again. Of course I had to restrain myself, me being a trained martial artist and Viva being the 99 lb. Queen of Blow.

Tak thinks his original goal of 6 months to a healthy relationship may have been overly optimistic, in hindsight.

THE most elite team ever assembled: The MRS

The past few months have been spent training Empress Of The Universe Angeline Jolie for her latest part as a world-class spy in the film Salt. Much to my chagrin. I’m over it. But apparently they could find no one else willing to work in her rarefied world, plus she begged me. And ultimately they offered me such an obscene sum to take the assignment, I acquiesced. Honestly I do not know why she went into acting, if all she wants to do is act like a spy — not to say she’s up for the job. Far from it. For starters, she would need to stop expanding her Colony Of Adorable Offspring. But I digress…

With a week off during production so that she may fly off to the middle east to adopt yet another camp of refugees, I found myself with a little down time. But that didn’t last long. I got a call from my favorite ladies in San Francisco, The Mrs. Robinson Society (MRS). You know them as a movable social club, a think-tank for sophisticated ladies of a certain ilk. But I know them as so much more. Whenever I need a team that can mount any hurdle (no matter how large), dominate any adversary, render useless any weapon — you get the idea — I call The MRS. These ladies can penetrate any wall you might erect, conquer any obstacle you might thrust at them… oops, there I go again.

When it was discovered that one of their “Benjamins” had gone rogue (being indiscreet was the least of his crimes), they needed an outside source to handle the matter, shall we say. And no one enjoys disciplining a wayward lad more than yours truly.

The AK-47 was just a scare tactic, darling! You know I don’t need arms to get the job done. My impressive weapon collection is exclusively for recreational activities these days. Knives being my favorite. That’s one thing Goddess Jolie and I have in common. Credit where credit’s due: she’s pretty good with a MAK7-WB.

Back on the set tomorrow. One bit of good news — I hope: I’ve found something to occupy my stupid sister Viva for a while: she’s going to be nanny to Brangelina’s brood. Of course not top nanny, darling! You don’t think I’m crazy, do you! She will be supervised by the other five (one for every moppet). But it’ll be something new for her. And honestly: I’ve met the other five nannies. Viva will suffer dearly if she tries to get away with anything at all. I mean it, those women make me nervous. I just wish I could be a fly on the wall her first day…

Day 1 of sibling counseling with Viva La Diva

This is going to be a long, hard chapter in my life. I can tell already.

At ARDOR’s insistence, I’ve begun sibling counseling with my stupid sister Viva. On Monday, we met with Tak Ishii, one of the most esteemed psychologists and and author of several bestsellers, including Live — And Let Your Sibling Live and Love To Hate To Love.

Honestly, it never dawned on me to encourage her to put on some clothes for our appointment. Or ditch the beer. But That’s our Viva the Diva, straight off the plane from Vegas. As if you couldn’t have guessed that.

Wanting to make the most of the time and get to the genesis of our “differences”, Tak hypnotized us, and took us way back, all the way to our mother’s womb. Apparently, that’s when/where we had our first fight. Little Miss “Talks In Her Sleep” was at it even then — and that was the first time I tried to kill her (strangulation with the umbilical chord). So… Tak thinks we have a long road ahead of us. He’s hopeful, and if this is what it takes for me to be promoted to ARDOR’s Senior Executive International Peacekeeper, so be it. I’m a professional.

Now Hiring: Bodyguard

I’ve going to be on assignment in the middle east in a few short weeks, and the brains at ARDOR have decided that due to current unrest there, I will need a bodyguard. Can you believe that? A bodyguard!

But… I’ve warmed to the idea. Especially, I’ve warmed to the process of finding a bodyguard who meets all the demands of the job.

My first choice was naturally my protogee, “Drill Bit” Kit. But he’s deep undercover (where he does his best work); this time penetrating a rogue Arizona border-patrol militia. He sent me this snap, taken in their “secret headquarters” meeting basement. Which also doubles as a storehouse for bad ’80’s porn as well, Agent Kit reports.

Next I wanted Matti. You recall Matti from that silly “kidnapping” incident. Fortunately, we managed to put that whole thing behind us, and have grown rather close in recent months. The best thing about Matti is I wouldn’t have to train him at all. In fact, he’s taught me a few new “covert moves”, shall we say. Sadly, Matti is being deported as we speak. It seems they found out where he’s been staying. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it to my stupid sister Viva — who knows who she’s been talking (in her sleep) to lately. Idiot.

So, the search continues. Please send resume (along with headshot, references, and salary requirements) to vulva@vulvafervor.com

Welcome, darling. Come inside.

Technology Breakthrough: THE INVIGORATION RAY

Introducing the latest from ARDOR’s technology department: THE INVIGORATION RAY!

It’s a “thermostat” that lets you reset your body’s age on a molecular level. In addition to the obvious breakthrough in disease prevention and cure that this is, don’t think that aging beauties the world over aren’t clamoring to be the first to use it.

Cool your jets, Madonna, you’ll get your turn!

Whatever Facebook wants…

After some strident negotiations, Social Media Goliath Facebook has allowed me to return to their site, under one condition: I’m now represented on a page, rather than a profile.

I said “Honestly, darling, what’s the difference?”

But you know how Goliaths are, so I let The Big One win. For now. So please if you haven’t already, become a fan of my new page by following this link. And then the adventures can really begin…

Ciao!

V

Ask Vulva: My New Beauty and Wellness Column!

During some recent required “down time”, I got a chance to catch up on my fan mail and was overwhelmed by the number of requests for tips on how to maintain a health/beauty/fitness/wellness regime on an impossibly busy schedule. All the while dodging danger, yet.

Well, you’ve come to the right gal. Because no one knows more about creating and maintaining an on-the-go-glow than yours truly. But rather than me telling you what I think is best, why don’t you ask me what’s on your mind now. If you have questions about diet, exercise, makeup — or anything else to make you feel like the best glamorous Elite Super-Agent you can be (or long to be), don’t be shy! I can assure you: Vulva knows! Please send your questions to vulva@vulvafervor.com.

My Best-Kept Beauty Secret: A little R&R!

I’ve given up trying to keep track of how often I hear, “Vulva, you’re always so upbeat and energetic. What keeps you going?”

It’s no big surprise: Happiness. But of course, one cannot will genuine happiness. It must come from the inside. And nothing makes me happier than time with old friends.

When I saw a break in my impossibly busy schedule, I decided to pack up the the ATV and head to the desert to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face (fear not — our weapons department has invented a sunscreen that is SPF 99, exfoliates, and erases fine lines (patent pending).

The fun in the sun would have enough to recharge my batteries. But fate had an unexpected surprise in store for me… I ran into my fellow ARDOR rookie of the year (we tied!), Carlotta de Blanc! She ended up leaving the agency pretty early on. Carla is very enterprising and she saw a business opportunity she couldn’t pass up (she also found a place — Nye County, NV –  where her specialty is legal). Carlotta really wasn’t fond of all the travel that being an agent demands. She’s a “collector”, if you will. So things worked out well for her. She still gets to meet exciting people from all over the world; difference is they come to her now. Little known fact: she made The Bourne Boob cry when they were partnered up once! They had a hit together, and let’s just say that  –  in front of the targets, yet — Bourne didn’t quite give her the respect she deserved in pulling off the job singlehandedly (because HE was hungover and had to run to the bathroom at the last minute). Even the targets were on her side! Anyhow, he never made that mistake again, and it was then and there that she christened him Boob. But I digress…

So you can imagine my surprise when I stoped into a local watering hole for my post-Quad constitutional — and there on the bar was Carlotta! She hasn’t changed a bit. So she gave me a tour of her new “house” and after she got the evenings clients sorted out, we relaxed by trying out some her newly-acquired vintage WWII gun collection in a nearby mountain range under the desert’s full moon.

Now you know how I stay upbeat and energized: Work hard, play hard. I have fun, full life! And as you can see, lovely friends.

They said it couldn’t be done: Peace in the Middle East!

Of course it couldn’t be done — until yours truly took a swing at it and brokered peace as only I can. I normally do not bring work home with me, but this was so important, I had to take a very personal, hands-on approach. I invited Israel’s ambassador Ephraim Hirsch and Palestine’s ambassador Kirimeh ha-Kalir both into my home for a light Sunday Brunch.

There were no weapons drawn.

There were no voices raised — only glasses, to toast a new friendship.

In fact, by the end of the evening both Palestine and Israel were so cordial, each refused to take the last acre of the gaza strip! It reminded me of my mentors at finishing school at the graduation ceremony: no one would take the last slice of cake. “You take it.” “No you take it.” “No I insist.” “I’ll be insulted if you don’t take it.” By the time we finally found a coin to toss, the cake had melted (ice cream cake). But I digress…

At first Ephraim was furious. “Vulva, how dare you pull this on me!” He can be so dramatic. But once he met Kirimeh face-to-face (and she impressed him with her gin rummy skills); well, who wouldn’t be charmed? She’s lovely. And she really flipped for his sense of humor!

So they ended up arm wrestling for it and Ephraim won — I’m still not sure Kirimeh didn’t let him. But it doesn’t matter. They both left smiling, and even shared a cab!

Sometimes the rewards of my job exceed the glamour, the money, the fashion, the danger, the adventure, the intrigue, and the weaponry. Which, by the way, I’m cutting back on. I find I sleep better and just feel better all around when I find creative alternatives to traditional weapons. Like today! I look forward to the next impossibly challenging assignment…