And it fits in my cosmetic pouch. Perfect for travel!
It’s a “thermostat” that lets you reset your body’s age on a molecular level. In addition to the obvious breakthrough in disease prevention and cure that this is, don’t think that aging beauties the world over aren’t clamoring to be the first to use it.
Cool your jets, Madonna, you’ll get your turn!
Are you satisfied now, Facebook darling?
After some strident negotiations, Social Media Goliath Facebook has allowed me to return to their site, under one condition: I’m now represented on a page, rather than a profile.
I said “Honestly, darling, what’s the difference?”
But you know how Goliaths are, so I let The Big One win. For now. So please if you haven’t already, become a fan of my new page by following this link. And then the adventures can really begin…
Ciao!
V
Take the time to recharge. I insist!
During some recent required “down time”, I got a chance to catch up on my fan mail and was overwhelmed by the number of requests for tips on how to maintain a health/beauty/fitness/wellness regime on an impossibly busy schedule. All the while dodging danger, yet.
Well, you’ve come to the right gal. Because no one knows more about creating and maintaining an on-the-go-glow than yours truly. But rather than me telling you what I think is best, why don’t you ask me what’s on your mind now. If you have questions about diet, exercise, makeup — or anything else to make you feel like the best glamorous Elite Super-Agent you can be (or long to be), don’t be shy! I can assure you: Vulva knows! Please send your questions to vulva@vulvafervor.com.
Riding like a willies (as the SEAL's say) on my ATV Quad.
I’ve given up trying to keep track of how often I hear, “Vulva, you’re always so upbeat and energetic. What keeps you going?”
It’s no big surprise: Happiness. But of course, one cannot will genuine happiness. It must come from the inside. And nothing makes me happier than time with old friends.
When I saw a break in my impossibly busy schedule, I decided to pack up the the ATV and head to the desert to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face (fear not — our weapons department has invented a sunscreen that is SPF 99, exfoliates, and erases fine lines (patent pending).
Cheeky doesn't even begin to describe her!
The fun in the sun would have enough to recharge my batteries. But fate had an unexpected surprise in store for me… I ran into my fellow ARDOR rookie of the year (we tied!), Carlotta de Blanc! She ended up leaving the agency pretty early on. Carla is very enterprising and she saw a business opportunity she couldn’t pass up (she also found a place — Nye County, NV – where her specialty is legal). Carlotta really wasn’t fond of all the travel that being an agent demands. She’s a “collector”, if you will. So things worked out well for her. She still gets to meet exciting people from all over the world; difference is they come to her now. Little known fact: she made The Bourne Boob cry when they were partnered up once! They had a hit together, and let’s just say that – in front of the targets, yet — Bourne didn’t quite give her the respect she deserved in pulling off the job singlehandedly (because HE was hungover and had to run to the bathroom at the last minute). Even the targets were on her side! Anyhow, he never made that mistake again, and it was then and there that she christened him Boob. But I digress…
So you can imagine my surprise when I stoped into a local watering hole for my post-Quad constitutional — and there on the bar was Carlotta! She hasn’t changed a bit. So she gave me a tour of her new “house” and after she got the evenings clients sorted out, we relaxed by trying out some her newly-acquired vintage WWII gun collection in a nearby mountain range under the desert’s full moon.
Now you know how I stay upbeat and energized: Work hard, play hard. I have fun, full life! And as you can see, lovely friends.
Ephraim & Kirimeh: friends at last!
Of course it couldn’t be done — until yours truly took a swing at it and brokered peace as only I can. I normally do not bring work home with me, but this was so important, I had to take a very personal, hands-on approach. I invited Israel’s ambassador Ephraim Hirsch and Palestine’s ambassador Kirimeh ha-Kalir both into my home for a light Sunday Brunch.
There were no weapons drawn.
There were no voices raised — only glasses, to toast a new friendship.
Surprise for Ephraim: about to play his nephew's (an Israeli hip hop star) CD!
In fact, by the end of the evening both Palestine and Israel were so cordial, each refused to take the last acre of the gaza strip! It reminded me of my mentors at finishing school at the graduation ceremony: no one would take the last slice of cake. “You take it.” “No you take it.” “No I insist.” “I’ll be insulted if you don’t take it.” By the time we finally found a coin to toss, the cake had melted (ice cream cake). But I digress…
Guess who's coming to dinner?
At first Ephraim was furious. “Vulva, how dare you pull this on me!” He can be so dramatic. But once he met Kirimeh face-to-face (and she impressed him with her gin rummy skills); well, who wouldn’t be charmed? She’s lovely. And she really flipped for his sense of humor!
So they ended up arm wrestling for it and Ephraim won — I’m still not sure Kirimeh didn’t let him. But it doesn’t matter. They both left smiling, and even shared a cab!
Sometimes the rewards of my job exceed the glamour, the money, the fashion, the danger, the adventure, the intrigue, and the weaponry. Which, by the way, I’m cutting back on. I find I sleep better and just feel better all around when I find creative alternatives to traditional weapons. Like today! I look forward to the next impossibly challenging assignment…
One position I thought I'd never be in: hostage.
And I have no one to blame but myself. I’m a highly-trained elite agent. It’s my job to have nerves of steel and not be distracted and let my guard down enough to get KIDNAPPED. Even if the cause is my stupid sister Viva incessantly screeching “I lost my wallet!” (what else is new?) when we’re supposed to be on holiday in Flekkefjord. No, that’s no excuse on my part. But it’s starting to interfere with my work, which is extremely problematic. And that’s why we’re in family counseling. But I digress…
Back “on topic”, as our counselor is fond of saying: I’m making the most of the situation. I’m certain that my kidnapping is somehow tied in with the recent disappearance of several other agents, mostly from RANCOR and some from ARDOR… So my antennae is up and I’m taking notes. My Finnish is a little rusty, but so far I think my captor (Matti) is — or until recently was — with RANCOR. Which is odd… But fear not. He’s taking very good care of me. The food of course is hit-and-miss, but the vodka is pure and chilled. And it goes without saying Finns are obsessively clean. So no rush breaking me out of here, ARDOR. I’m quite comfortable. Let me do a little more recon. I’ll use the infrared signaling device when my “mission” is accomplished.
What's a hostage shot without a NYT frontpage dateline?
On the bright side: the Jimmy Choo boots that our gadgets team (Ivan, you are a genius!!!) rigged with an emergency overnight kit works marvelously. All our fears of its functionality proved to be for naught: I was actually “typing” out the text of this entire message with my right heel’s microkeyboard while Matti was taking pictures as souvenirs. As you can see, the detail enhancement device works even better than expected. (The newspaper headline was my idea.)
Trying to find some decent Finnsheep lomein...
In fact, Matti didn’t even realize I took a picture of the picture he took (what you see at the top of this message) with the nano-camo built into the boot’s buckle. The picture I took of him ordering take-out was a test run. He has no idea of this transmission, for that matter. Boy, is he ever in for a surprise! (By the way: brilliant work on Ivan’s part to think to include an international long-distance wi-fi locator and to build one that actually works. On such short notice yet!)
There is a slight problem with the dispenser for the vitamin C Serum I requested, so I’ve gone days without product. I can feel my complexion dulling as we speak, so THAT needs to be addressed ASAP. Oh, also — still haven’t been able to open the infrared location signaler. I’m keeping it warm so its lid should loosen enough hopefully by the time I need it.
We’re enjoying an awful lot of Finnsheep (that’s a smell you never forget), so we’re definitely near Hyvinkaa. Point your own antennae in the general direction until next contact…
The only clue at the scene: US Military smoke bomb from Roswell, NM. I didn't even know they still made them.
Imagine my relief when I found RANCOR agent known as “The Beagle” alive — though just barely. He’s called The Beagle because of his extraordinary sense of smell. Back when were just starting out (in Paris), both taking a course in Urban Planning & Design and Sniper Strategy, he used to bring me the most extraordinary perfumes from around the world! We were so young. There was this one time, he nearly got arrested trying to
…I’m sorry, I got a little off-topic. The good news he’s going to be 100% — as are his olfactories.
But this is part of a much larger and far more serious problem. Several agents from both ARDOR and rival agency RANCOR have been kidnapped. Gone without a trace. Even I am required to have a bodyguard now, which is almost surreal. The Beagle is the first to be located (after much hard work on the part of Yours Truly). We’re still searching for the others and hopefully today’s breakthrough will shed some light…
Squealing with delight at the sight of each line, as if it were her first.
Imagine my delight when our weapons department came up with its latest stroke of genius: a mirror that wipes out short term memory! They asked me to take it home for a few days “live with it, test it out.” Boy, did they ever ask the right gal. Because my stupid sister Viva is crashing on my sofa right now.
And like moth to flame…
Bitch still steals all my stuff. Last time it was the Dior Lipstick prototype from our Chemical Weapons Division. Time before that, the Jimmy Choo reptile boots that shoot tranquilizer darts. It was funny, someone targeted her when she was wearing them because they thought she was me! And that’s when we found the perfect job for Viva: decoy.
But please don’t tell her. If she knows, she just blow it. If she must stay here — rent free, I might add — until we complete our family counseling sessions (don’t ask), she might as well make herself useful. Even if she doesn’t know it. Of course I would never let any harm come to her…
Don't let us interrupt you!
Look! Here she is playing with the compact version. She loves mirrors. Very attractive design, I must admit.
It's a tradition when Yves and I are together, the red berets.
I spent the weekend in Paris, sort-of a working holiday. A chance to catch up with my dear darling friend Yves (he is so much fun to shop with!), as well as test a new gadget from our weapons department: a machine that samples DNA of everyone within 50 yards. And it has a species setting, so you can choose the DNA sampling size that’s right for your needs. We thought we’d try it out at the Centre Pompidou (a modern art museum). It blended nicely with their current exhibit. And.. it worked beautifully!
The only downside of the whole weekend: Jimmy “Quantum of Needy” Bond won’t stop texting me. And I refuse to change my number again. Even if I did, He’d always be able to get it again. If only he could get a life as easily.
mamman
If you want to see where I get it, take a look. It’s mom, in her prime — she had zero tolerance for guests who overstay their welcome. She was such fun. I really miss her.
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