Adieu to “The King Of Porn” Bjorn

Posted on July 19, 2009 by vulvafervor

Bjorn, darling: why so much security? You couldn't even give half this stuff away.

I don’t normally take “souvenir shots” after successfully accomplishing a mission — where would I keep such an enormous collection even if I did? But I couldn’t resist this time. Because the very arrogant target swore that his walls were impenetrable.

Of course he didn’t forsee yours truly being assigned the case. And “The King of Porn” Bjorn Bjornsund isn’t quite as clever as he thought. His crime is creating / distributing / pirating porn. Now darling, of course I have no problems with the porn industry. I think that it keeps so many people healthy and happy and — so long as no one is hurt or underpaid or underage or coerced to do something they’re not  comfortable doing — really what’s the crime?

But the reason why I wanted to bring Bjorn down is he was peddling American porn. The worst! Why, American porn make carnal pleasure look downright painful (judging by the expressions on the women’s faces) and oftentime silly (and don’t even get me started on the art direction or lack thereof). Honestly, watch some Swedish porn and compare, you’ll see what I mean. The Swedes actually enjoy sex, one would assume, after watching their product. And Bjorn is Swedish / Norwegian. He’s got the greatest porn on the planet right there in his own backfjord… why peddle the worst on the market? I find his lack of taste and good judgment to be his greatest crime.

And now I must painstakingly sort through mountains and hours of evidence. Oh what fresh hell is this? I just pray that My stupid sister Viva doesn’t turn up on one of these tapes. You never know with her.

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My stupid sister Viva: putting the “psycho” in sibling psychotherapy.

Posted on July 12, 2009 by vulvafervor
Credit where credit's due: at least Viva decided to wear clothes this time.

Credit where credit's due: at least Viva decided to put on some clothes this time.

Session 2 with Tak, and I don’t believe progress was made. He has established that we have a dependent (Viva on me, naturally) / co-dependent relationship. Yes darling I know, does it get any more cliche than that?

So he had us do an exercise where Little Miss Center-Of-The-Universe could not begin any sentence with “I” (talk about asking the impossible!); and yours truly could not begin any sentence with “You”. Then he asked us to express what we want from each other. Needless to say, the silence was deafening. And… I’ll spare you the details, but long story short, it came to fisticuffs. Again. Of course I had to restrain myself, me being a trained martial artist and Viva being the 99 lb. Queen of Blow.

Tak thinks his original goal of 6 months to a healthy relationship may have been overly optimistic, in hindsight.

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THE most elite team ever assembled: The MRS

Posted on July 7, 2009 by vulvafervor
(L to R: Mrs. L. Robinson, Mrs. D. Robinson, Mrs. M. Robinson, Mrs. R. Robinson, and yours truly)

Celebrating another successful joint mission. (L to R: Mrs. L. Robinson, Mrs. D. Robinson, Mrs. M. Robinson, Mrs. R. Robinson, and yours truly)

The past few months have been spent training Empress Of The Universe Angeline Jolie for her latest part as a world-class spy in the film Salt. Much to my chagrin. I’m over it. But apparently they could find no one else willing to work in her rarefied world, plus she begged me. And ultimately they offered me such an obscene sum to take the assignment, I acquiesced. Honestly I do not know why she went into acting, if all she wants to do is act like a spy — not to say she’s up for the job. Far from it. For starters, she would need to stop expanding her Colony Of Adorable Offspring. But I digress…

With a week off during production so that she may fly off to the middle east to adopt yet another camp of refugees, I found myself with a little down time. But that didn’t last long. I got a call from my favorite ladies in San Francisco, The Mrs. Robinson Society (MRS). You know them as a movable social club, a think-tank for sophisticated ladies of a certain ilk. But I know them as so much more. Whenever I need a team that can mount any hurdle (no matter how large), dominate any adversary, render useless any weapon — you get the idea — I call The MRS. These ladies can penetrate any wall you might erect, conquer any obstacle you might thrust at them… oops, there I go again.

When it was discovered that one of their “Benjamins” had gone rogue (being indiscreet was the least of his crimes), they needed an outside source to handle the matter, shall we say. And no one enjoys disciplining a wayward lad more than yours truly.

Checking with "The MRS", how hard a lesson would you like me to teach young Benjamin?

Checking with Mrs. Robinson: "How severe a lesson would you like me to teach young Benjamin?"

The AK-47 was just a scare tactic, darling! You know I don’t need arms to get the job done. My impressive weapon collection is exclusively for recreational activities these days. Knives being my favorite. That’s one thing Goddess Jolie and I have in common. Credit where credit’s due: she’s pretty good with a MAK7-WB.

Back on the set tomorrow. One bit of good news — I hope: I’ve found something to occupy my stupid sister Viva for a while: she’s going to be nanny to Brangelina’s brood. Of course not top nanny, darling! You don’t think I’m crazy, do you! She will be supervised by the other five (one for every moppet). But it’ll be something new for her. And honestly: I’ve met the other five nannies. Viva will suffer dearly if she tries to get away with anything at all. I mean it, those women make me nervous. I just wish I could be a fly on the wall her first day…

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Day 1 of sibling counseling with Viva La Diva

Posted on July 3, 2009 by vulvafervor
The longest hour of my life.

The longest hour of my life.

This is going to be a long, hard chapter in my life. I can tell already.

At ARDOR’s insistence, I’ve begun sibling counseling with my stupid sister Viva. On Monday, we met with Tak Ishii, one of the most esteemed psychologists and and author of several bestsellers, including Live — And Let Your Sibling Live and Love To Hate To Love.

Is this the "Girls Gone Wild" audition?

Is this the "Girls Gone Wild" audition?

Honestly, it never dawned on me to encourage her to put on some clothes for our appointment. Or ditch the beer. But That’s our Viva the Diva, straight off the plane from Vegas. As if you couldn’t have guessed that.

Wanting to make the most of the time and get to the genesis of our “differences”, Tak hypnotized us, and took us way back, all the way to our mother’s womb. Apparently, that’s when/where we had our first fight. Little Miss “Talks In Her Sleep” was at it even then — and that was the first time I tried to kill her (strangulation with the umbilical chord). So… Tak thinks we have a long road ahead of us. He’s hopeful, and if this is what it takes for me to be promoted to ARDOR’s Senior Executive International Peacekeeper, so be it. I’m a professional.

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Now Hiring: Bodyguard

Posted on June 28, 2009 by vulvafervor

I’ve going to be on assignment in the middle east in a few short weeks, and the brains at ARDOR have decided that due to current unrest there, I will need a bodyguard. Can you believe that? A bodyguard!

But… I’ve warmed to the idea. Especially, I’ve warmed to the process of finding a bodyguard who meets all the demands of the job.

My first choice was naturally my protogee, “Drill Bit” Kit. But he’s deep undercover (where he does his best work); this time penetrating a rogue Arizona border-patrol militia. He sent me this snap, taken in their “secret headquarters” meeting basement. Which also doubles as a storehouse for bad ’80’s porn as well, Agent Kit reports.

Next I wanted Matti. You recall Matti from that silly “kidnapping” incident. Fortunately, we managed to put that whole thing behind us, and have grown rather close in recent months. The best thing about Matti is I wouldn’t have to train him at all. In fact, he’s taught me a few new “covert moves”, shall we say. Sadly, Matti is being deported as we speak. It seems they found out where he’s been staying. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it to my stupid sister Viva — who knows who she’s been talking (in her sleep) to lately. Idiot.

So, the search continues. Please send resume (along with headshot, references, and salary requirements) to vulva@vulvafervor.com

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Welcome, darling. Come inside.

Posted on June 22, 2009 by vulvafervor

This is Vulva Fervor...

Meet Vulva Fervor: a glamorous peacekeeping agent whose powers of persuasion are far more deadly than any show of force.

She is about to face her greatest challenge yet: suppressing the urge to gag her jet-setting, air-headed, loose-lipped “stupid sister Viva”, a new recruit who Vulva must train.

When the world’s biggest superstar – obsessed with her fading looks and popularity – disappears at the exact same moment that the iRay (an invention that might possibly to hold key to eternal youth and health) is stolen, Vulva must spring into action. Fighting greed, corruption, and society’s obsession with youthful beauty is all in a day’s work for Vulva – and now, Viva; a pairing that can best be described as James Bond partnering-up with Inspector Clouseau.

... and this is Vulva's "stupid sister" Viva.

... and this is her stupid sister Viva.

That’s how the producers of the film in pre-production about my life (I’m writing the manuscript while they work out all the showbiz details) want to pitch the project. Speaking of which, darling, a quick update on the progress of the manuscript: A focus group rated the passages that involve myself and my stupid sister Viva as “really entertaining” and “funny as shit” (clearly they don’t hire the intelligentsia for these focus groups). So now they want me to write more Vulva-and-Viva scenarios, less about my vital work as an international peacekeeping agent. Needless to say, I am crestfallen at the news. But if it’s my stupid sister Viva they want, heaven knows I’ve plenty more where that came from. They’ll soon see the joke gets old real fast.

One interesting bit: They asked me who I’d like to play us. Immediately I thought Kate Winslet for your’s truly. And for Viva, I see Cameron Diaz. A luncheon is being arrange as we speak. Stay tuned for further details…

A rare moment of peace.

A rare moment of peace.

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Technology Breakthrough: THE INVIGORATION RAY

Posted on June 1, 2009 by vulvafervor
And it fits in my cosmetic pouch. Perfect for travel!

And it fits in my cosmetic pouch. Perfect for travel!

Introducing the latest from ARDOR’s technology department: THE INVIGORATION RAY!

It’s a “thermostat” that lets you reset your body’s age on a molecular level. In addition to the obvious breakthrough in disease prevention and cure that this is, don’t think that aging beauties the world over aren’t clamoring to be the first to use it.

Cool your jets, Madonna, you’ll get your turn!

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Whatever Facebook wants…

Posted on May 31, 2009 by vulvafervor
Are you satisfied now, Facebook darling?

Are you satisfied now, Facebook darling?

After some strident negotiations, Social Media Goliath Facebook has allowed me to return to their site, under one condition: I’m now represented on a page, rather than a profile.

I said “Honestly, darling, what’s the difference?”

But you know how Goliaths are, so I let The Big One win. For now. So please if you haven’t already, become a fan of my new page by following this link. And then the adventures can really begin…

Ciao!

V

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Ask Vulva: My New Beauty and Wellness Column!

Posted on May 13, 2009 by vulvafervor
Take the time to recharge. I insist!

Take the time to recharge. I insist!

During some recent required “down time”, I got a chance to catch up on my fan mail and was overwhelmed by the number of requests for tips on how to maintain a health/beauty/fitness/wellness regime on an impossibly busy schedule. All the while dodging danger, yet.

Well, you’ve come to the right gal. Because no one knows more about creating and maintaining an on-the-go-glow than yours truly. But rather than me telling you what I think is best, why don’t you ask me what’s on your mind now. If you have questions about diet, exercise, makeup — or anything else to make you feel like the best glamorous Elite Super-Agent you can be (or long to be), don’t be shy! I can assure you: Vulva knows! Please send your questions to vulva@vulvafervor.com.

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My Best-Kept Beauty Secret: A little R&R!

Posted on May 4, 2009 by vulvafervor
Riding like a willies (as the SEAL's say) on my ATV Quad.

Riding like a willies (as the SEAL's say) on my ATV Quad.

I’ve given up trying to keep track of how often I hear, “Vulva, you’re always so upbeat and energetic. What keeps you going?”

It’s no big surprise: Happiness. But of course, one cannot will genuine happiness. It must come from the inside. And nothing makes me happier than time with old friends.

When I saw a break in my impossibly busy schedule, I decided to pack up the the ATV and head to the desert to feel the wind in my hair and the sun on my face (fear not — our weapons department has invented a sunscreen that is SPF 99, exfoliates, and erases fine lines (patent pending).

Cheeky doesn't even begin to describe her!!

Cheeky doesn't even begin to describe her!

The fun in the sun would have enough to recharge my batteries. But fate had an unexpected surprise in store for me… I ran into my fellow ARDOR rookie of the year (we tied!), Carlotta de Blanc! She ended up leaving the agency pretty early on. Carla is very enterprising and she saw a business opportunity she couldn’t pass up (she also found a place — Nye County, NV —  where her specialty is legal). Carlotta really wasn’t fond of all the travel that being an agent demands. She’s a “collector”, if you will. So things worked out well for her. She still gets to meet exciting people from all over the world; difference is they come to her now. Little known fact: she made The Bourne Boob cry when they were partnered up once! They had a hit together, and let’s just say that  —  in front of the targets, yet — Bourne didn’t quite give her the respect she deserved in pulling off the job singlehandedly (because HE was hungover and had to run to the bathroom at the last minute). Even the targets were on her side! Anyhow, he never made that mistake again, and it was then and there that she christened him Boob. But I digress…

So you can imagine my surprise when I stoped into a local watering hole for my post-Quad constitutional — and there on the bar was Carlotta! She hasn’t changed a bit. So she gave me a tour of her new “house” and after she got the evenings clients sorted out, we relaxed by trying out some her newly-acquired vintage WWII gun collection in a nearby mountain range under the desert’s full moon.

Now you know how I stay upbeat and energized: Work hard, play hard. I have fun, full life! And as you can see, lovely friends.

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