The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

Strange activity…

Going deep undercover; deadline TBD.  Recent strange activity, per HQ: Sudden surge in hits on www for my name, per various fringe domestic sources and INTERPOL. Upon further investigation, there’s been much cross-referencing my name and the Swedish automobile maker, Volvo.

Time for a little backstory:

Because of a recent fallout with our comrades in Sweden (who now aren’t speaking to us — though you can’t tell the difference, they’re so standoffish ALL THE TIME), HQ thinks there’s very real cause for concern. We may even be looking at a mole.

Updates to follow on a need-to-know basis.

My Latest Wedding

Prepared to strike.

Another weekend, another wedding. Mine, again. This time the target was my betrothed, Rhys. One of the most menacing and clever arms dealers ever. Also the most paranoid. No weapons allowed in the reception hall by anyone other than his thugs. So I had to do the job with merely a butter knife.

And there’s no one more handy with a knife than yours truly. Even a butter knife. Fait Accompli. Word to HQ: We’ll definitely need a new dress for the next one.

coming to a theatre near you: “The Vulva Dialogues”

Donaphin Blair will be chief photographer on the project, beginning with this shot.

The ink is dry on the deal: my long-awaited memoirs, “The Vulva Dialogues”, will be published in the fall of 2009. But that’s not all. Hollywood does not let a story as intrigueing and captivating as mine go unnoticed. The are going to begin filming as I write. It’s never been done before. I’m currently holed up in a suite at a 5-star resort (the location of which I cannot disclose) so that I might focus on the telling of my tales, reliving each extraordinary detail as I recall it.

Apparently Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman are both frothing at the mouth to  star in the film version. Though I am flattered, I cannot say the feeling is mutual in either case.

Put another way: Over My Dead Body. Mother Earth Jolie still has not returned my Kunikane (I mean really, is it a good idea to have that around with so many children running loose?). As for Ms. Thurman, well there’s really nothing I can say here until the matter of the confidentiality clause (the one she signed, not me!) is resolved.

With my brilliant agent, Gianni.

I’m getting my first taste of fame. I was assigned a bodyguard. And an agent. They even offered a personal trainer — which I thought a tad absurd. What next? It’s a whole new chapter and I’m very excited to see what the future holds. Do stay tuned…

The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year

I love the holiday season. All the worlds’ most dazzling cities are all aglitter and aglow. And when I’m lucky enough to have a mission amidst all of the winter magic, I feel like a child again. A child in an enormous, bewitching, dazzling shooting gallery. A snow globe of danger.

Last night the target was a rogue Santa Claus (ex-KGB; those guys are so bitter) in San Francisco’s Union Square during the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony. This year there’s an ice rink, so that was especially challenging, to not hit the skaters. But I did it. No collateral damage, no need for crowd control. My record remains intact.

Joyeaux Noel!

Stretching: The Truth.

If only I had a Euro for every time I heard “Vulva, you put so many demands on your body in your line of work. How do you find balance and relief?”

It’s no mystery. The key is developing a stretching series that is right for you. I do not have time to take a class, or even do even one conventional exercise, for that matter. So I must incorporate stretching into my everyday routine. And as always, creativity is the key. Follow me, I show you.

Side Stretch: When dressing and donning my accoutrement each day, I make sure to position myself in such a way that each action requires a deep, perfectly-aligned stretch.

For example: Standing with my vanity just to my right, I raise my arms and elongate my torso. Then I lean and reach to the right (hips out to the left and parallel to the wall facing you). I lean until I am able to reach my Beretta 418. Return to where you started — alway remember, you want to elongate. Arms down, turn 180 degrees and repeat on the other side, reaching for my Walther PPK.

Go. Now you try it.

The Importance of Exercise

I get asked all the time: “Vulva, how do you stay so fit and attractive with such a demanding lifestyle?”

And it’s true, there’s little time for sleep and beauty treatments in my world. So one has to get creative. Fortunately, due the physically demanding nature of my work, I get a full day’s workout everyday. And on many evenings as well (when I’m lucky). I believe in jumping on every opportunity to squeeze in a little extra exercise whenever and wherever I can — you never know when that opportunity will arise again.

What it comes down to: I have absolutely no fitness tips for you, other than: get an exciting and dangerous career with constant physical demand. And of course keeping such a demanding job requires that you were blessed with amazing genes in the first place, like I was. Hope that helps.

Good luck!

A Better Complexion Via Martinis

I can’t tell you how many times people stop me to say “Vulva, you always look so radiant. How do you do it?”

While a rigorous physical regime helps keep my skin aglow, sometimes even I need a little extra help. Here’s a tip that works for me, and it fits seamlessly in my on-the-go lifestyle:

Next time you find yourself out on the town and realize your skin looks a little tired, order a vodka martini, up, with a twist. The twist is key. The alcohol in the vodka will tighten and refresh pores, the chill from the ice will invigorate, bringing blood to the surface and give a healthy glow, the the acid in the twist acts as a sort-of “fruit peel”, getting rid of dry dead surface cells to reveal fresh skin beneath the surface.

But mystery is of the element. Do not perform the Martini Quik-Lift publicly. Discreetly excuse yourself to the Ladies Lounge — you might want to pack your own cotton pads (cotton balls are too messy). Dip into the martini, blot,  and gently sweep over the visage when there are no witnesses present.

Parakalo, Greece!

To thank the Agency for it’s part in helping eliminate one of Greece’s most deadly terrorist sleeper cells, their ambassador gave us the 14 goats that were vital for making this mission a success. So now we have 14 goats. That only respond to orders in Greek.

This Brings Back Memories.

With Special Agent “Miguel” (not his real name) in St. Barts. He was THE BEST underwater assassin EVER! Known in some circles as “The Clown”, he is no longer with us. Sadly, he went down in the Cirque du Soleil “Zumanity” job in Las Vegas this past summer.

The Beginning Of An Enchanted Evening.

At a Special Agent Mix & Mingle at the home of “Matchmaker to the Spies” Twlighta Fontanella (pictured, center) in London.