Yes darling, “Viva Hearts Tiger!” That is the text message I received.
Nothing spells discretion like BEING PHOTOGRAPHED WITH THE MOST PHOTOGRAPHED MAN ON THE PLANET!
My stupid sister Viva meant to send it to her new boyfriend. The one she met recently while she’s in treatment (again) for sex addiction. Instead, she sent it to her entire contact list. Probably on purpose. Anything for attention, that’s our Viva!
Fortunately the tabloids contacted me first, and now I’m off to break the news to Elin. I am not looking forward to this — that woman has a temper, boy! The jet’s been fueled up, and I plan on taking her and the children to someplace remote (with lots of open space) for the weekend. I suppose we gals will be getting quite fueled up ourselves. I’ve even invited Lara “Empress of the Universe” Croft — word is she’s got the itch again. This may turn out to be a very interesting weekend, just we ladies…
Posted 7 months ago at 3:35 pm. 2 comments
Once that DJ started playing Hall & Oat's "Private Eyes", I knew it was time to make my escape.
I really need to make friends outside of my Elite Special Agent / International Spy Circles. It’s far too small a world, and It’s becoming quite a bore, as a recent annual conclave at the Spy Spa Retreat proved. Why did I even go? What was I thinking?
Laura “Empress of the Universe” Croft and I are back on speaking terms (since she finally returned my Kunikane). And… let’s just say Laura’s issues have issues. Our first night there she had too much to drink and got carried away, going on and on how “… I’d leave it all behind in a heartbeat if I could just find a good man who loves me for who I am and settle down, I’m not getting any younger Vulva and I’d like to have a baby – I don’t know, maybe six, I could adopt…” Christ, she’s seriously lost her edge.
The Good news: my ex, James “Quantum of Lame” Bond was a no-show. I swear if I have to watch him talk with his mouth full one more time I’m gonna flick a cyanide capsule in his trap myself. But I digress… The Bad news: They reason for his absence, according to Iterpol, is because he was tied up getting my Stupid Sister Viva past customs. Those two really do deserve each other. If they ever moved in together, it would literally be a house of mirrors. The two vainest people I know.
Ethan “Runt” Hunt managed to tear himself away from his latest project “Operation: Glory Hole” (which he is taking FOREVER to “research” in San Francisco) and grace us with his presence. He’s absolutely unbearable these days, always trying so hard to be the strongest/fastest/best-liked in that overcompensating way that short, closeted Scientologists often do. But I digress.
The “Bourne” Boob was there and all mopey, sitting alone posing at the end of the bar. He was never terribly interesting in the first place. But lately, he seems to be taking himself (and his image) a little too seriously, like he’s trying to be George Clooney or Brad Pitt. I’ll give him credit though, he’s dressing much more nicely these days.
The Cessna awaits and I’m slipping away for a real holiday at an undisclosed location with an unnamed travel companion. This is one Secret Agent who likes to keep her secrets secret… Ciao, darling!
Posted 10 months, 3 weeks ago at 7:30 am. 1 comment
Taught me so much about myself -- as a woman.
HOW WE MET: Spy Spa Retreat
MOST ANNOYING HABIT: Says “I’ll call you”, then never calls.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: Bed covered with cuddly stuffed animals.
SURPRISING FACT: Needier than you’d think.
Posted 1 year, 7 months ago at 12:11 am. Add a comment
