The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

The Final Session of Sibling Psychotherapy

Viva, making another memorable exit.

Here’s one chapter I’m more than happy to see come to a close: my stupid sister Viva and I had our final session of sibling psychotherapy. Not because we have “Healed Our Shared Wound” or “Built a Bridge of Love” nor any other of the lamebrained goals Tak Ishii set for us.

It’s because he’s sueing us (and ARDOR) if Viva ever comes within 100 yards of him. My two new favorite words: Restraining Order.

Really Tak, what is the point?

Tak wanted us to do the impossible: a Trust Exercise. You’ve seen it before, where one person falls backward, the other catches them in their arms. I tried telling him it was a huge mistake, but Dr. 100%-Success-Rate wouldn’t believe me.

The first half was fine. I caught Viva. All 98 pounds of her. But darling you don’t think I was going to trust her to do that same, do you? I mean, the girl has the attention span of a fruitfly. And I cannot afford injury right now, as we’re about to go into our busy season at ARDOR. Many terrorists get restless at summer’s end for some reason. It’s the oddest thing. Some liken it to that back-to-school melancholy of youth, though it’s been my experience that most terrorists are not highly educated (formally, that is). But I digress…

Tak thought I was greatly underestimating Viva. So to show me a thing or two, he stepped in, awaiting her to catch him. And of course, at the exact moment he was falling backward, Little Miss Popular got a text message. Priorities, priorities!

He crashed into his $12,000 mother of pearl inlaid glass sculpture. He got a concussion and was hospitalized overnight. Oh, and the blood from that gash!

The good news is my time is now my own again, so that I may focus on what is important. World Peace. As for Viva, I’ve no idea. She was ordered by the state of California to stay away until after Fleet Week is over, as a result of that “performance” she put on for the Blue Angels last year (the one that shut down the Golden Gate Bridge for seven hours). I pray this time she’s learned. But I sense otherwise.

My stupid sister Viva: putting the “psycho” in sibling psychotherapy.

Credit where credit's due: at least Viva decided to put on some clothes this time.

Session 2 with Tak, and I don’t believe progress was made. He has established that we have a dependent (Viva on me, naturally) / co-dependent relationship. Yes darling I know, does it get any more cliche than that?

So he had us do an exercise where Little Miss Center-Of-The-Universe could not begin any sentence with “I” (talk about asking the impossible!); and yours truly could not begin any sentence with “You”. Then he asked us to express what we want from each other. Needless to say, the silence was deafening. And… I’ll spare you the details, but long story short, it came to fisticuffs. Again. Of course I had to restrain myself, me being a trained martial artist and Viva being the 99 lb. Queen of Blow.

Tak thinks his original goal of 6 months to a healthy relationship may have been overly optimistic, in hindsight.

Day 1 of sibling counseling with Viva La Diva

The longest hour of my life.

This is going to be a long, hard chapter in my life. I can tell already.

At ARDOR’s insistence, I’ve begun sibling counseling with my stupid sister Viva. On Monday, we met with Tak Ishii, one of the most esteemed psychologists and and author of several bestsellers, including Live — And Let Your Sibling Live and Love To Hate To Love.

Is this the "Girls Gone Wild" audition?

Honestly, it never dawned on me to encourage her to put on some clothes for our appointment. Or ditch the beer. But That’s our Viva the Diva, straight off the plane from Vegas. As if you couldn’t have guessed that.

Wanting to make the most of the time and get to the genesis of our “differences”, Tak hypnotized us, and took us way back, all the way to our mother’s womb. Apparently, that’s when/where we had our first fight. Little Miss “Talks In Her Sleep” was at it even then — and that was the first time I tried to kill her (strangulation with the umbilical chord). So… Tak thinks we have a long road ahead of us. He’s hopeful, and if this is what it takes for me to be promoted to ARDOR’s Senior Executive International Peacekeeper, so be it. I’m a professional.