Welcome, darling. Come inside.

This is Vulva Fervor...

Meet Vulva Fervor: a glamorous peacekeeping agent whose powers of persuasion are far more deadly than any show of force.

She is about to face her greatest challenge yet: suppressing the urge to gag her jet-setting, air-headed, loose-lipped “stupid sister Viva”, a new recruit who Vulva must train.

When the world’s biggest superstar – obsessed with her fading looks and popularity – disappears at the exact same moment that the iRay (an invention that might possibly to hold key to eternal youth and health) is stolen, Vulva must spring into action. Fighting greed, corruption, and society’s obsession with youthful beauty is all in a day’s work for Vulva – and now, Viva; a pairing that can best be described as James Bond partnering-up with Inspector Clouseau.

... and this is Vulva's "stupid sister" Viva.

... and this is her stupid sister Viva.

That’s how the producers of the film in pre-production about my life (I’m writing the manuscript while they work out all the showbiz details) want to pitch the project. Speaking of which, darling, a quick update on the progress of the manuscript: A focus group rated the passages that involve myself and my stupid sister Viva as “really entertaining” and “funny as shit” (clearly they don’t hire the intelligentsia for these focus groups). So now they want me to write more Vulva-and-Viva scenarios, less about my vital work as an international peacekeeping agent. Needless to say, I am crestfallen at the news. But if it’s my stupid sister Viva they want, heaven knows I’ve plenty more where that came from. They’ll soon see the joke gets old real fast.

One interesting bit: They asked me who I’d like to play us. Immediately I thought Kate Winslet for your’s truly. And for Viva, I see Cameron Diaz. A luncheon is being arrange as we speak. Stay tuned for further details…

A rare moment of peace.

A rare moment of peace.

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