Uber Agent Recruitment in the Time of Techno Pussies

The western US is not the only entity suffering a drought these days. Here at ARDOR we are downright desperate (a word I’ve never before said aloud) for new talent. Finding, virile, brilliant, dashing, self-sufficient, young people; capable of critical thinking; capable of both giving and taking a beating; capable of getting through a hand of poker (no, not the kind you play on your device) without adjusting their hoodie — the search is absolutely exhausting me, darling.

At today’s recruitment fair, I CANNOT TELL YOU how many showed up expecting to dazzle me with an app they designed, resplendent with endless features meant to add convenience to the elite peacekeeping agent’s daily workload. Convenience? CONVENIENCE? Please darling, if convenience were a priority I would not have become a glamorous international operative! The last thing on my mind, at their age, in any context,  was convenience. Truly, this is the dullest generation planet Earth has ever seen.

So I’ve taken the search to the world’s most renowned (and underground) Extreme Sport training facility. Why didn’t I think of this sooner! These young men and women aren not only fit and fearless, they’re fun! And at the end of the day,  if the work that you do (and the people you work with) are not fun, what is the point?

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Being an elite peacekeeping agent really works up my appetite! Here, I multitask by satisfying my hunger while eliminating evil forces in the world!

This taco tastes as delicious as it looks. But don’t be fooled: it’s also a weapon of mass destruction. Here, I am testing a low-grade prototype; but the ultimate weapon will, upon first bite, render unconscious for 24 hours all human life within a 5 mile radius. In the shell is a built-in DNA immunization coder, so that the person doing the actual biting, upon first contact with the shell, will be immunized from the effects of the serum in the “meat” filling. How genius is that, darling?

¡desea la bio tecnología viva, querido!

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My Night With Kimye

They are so lucky the doors are sealed shut darling, because I as this close...

They are so lucky the doors are sealed shut darling, because I as this close...

Regrets? I’ve had ONE, in all my years as an elite peacekeeping agent, and it’s this: That I didn’t give these two a hard lesson in minding your manners (and having a little dignity, for the sake of their offspring) when I had the chance.

This photo was taken last Saturday, February 7, 2015. One night before the insipid Kanye made a fool of himself (yet again!) at the Grammy’s, attempting to steal the spotlight from my former colleague Beck.

What, didn’t you know Beck has dabbled in the field of top-secret espionage? Of course not, it’s top secret! But it’s also in the past, so I don’t mind telling you now of his little between-albums hobby — what do you think he was doing that whole time, darling? But I digress…

I was called off a top-secret mission myself to babysit the charming Kimye on their Saturday Date Night (oh, the things that are now burned on the backs of my irises). It seems I’m the only qualified bodyguard these buffoons deem photogenic enough to be seen with that poor child of theirs (beauty is not without its price, darling). Which is why they parade that poor moppet/shield with them everywhere – they know they will get a serious public spanking, to put it politely, if they step out without her.

Please excuse me, but I need to take another shower. Ever since my last encounter with them, I just feel so terribly  unclean…

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Recon and Recharge!

When I’m between assignments, nothing refreshes the mind and the body quite like a getaway to a peaceful, remote, unknown to the FAA spot. Being an elite international peacekeeping agent means I’ve greater access to such locations than most people dream of!

I’m also using this time to catch up on some long overdue reading, which dovetails nicely with a future assignment — so I guess we might call this a learning holiday, darling! I’d love to tell you all about it, but as I will be undercover, I’m afraid that is impossible, darling!

Speaking of undercover, someone’s at the door… Jeg ved ikke, hvem det kunne være …

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J’adore Philippe et Kristof! I recently had the pleasure of working with them both on Operation: Sinsation (don’t look at me, darling; I don’t name these things). Their combined (in tandem!) attention to detail — undercover, yet — is beyond reproach.

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Torture by Cubicle: How do civilians do it, darling!

I am currently enduring what is by far my most challenging Top Secret mission to date. In fact, I should not even be reporting at this time, doing so could compromise our position; but I feel I must, for fear I may not survive this torture.

I’ve been assigned a desk — even worse, darling, CUBICLE! — position in an international healthcare corporation that, it turns out, is a major funder of a multi-million dollar underground toddler beauty pageant “ring”. It sounds innocent enough, but trust me, things do get ugly at their events — think Romper Room meets Fight Club. Despite that, in hindsight, going undercover as a stage mother would have been far less agonizing than this.

Fun Fact: I knew I was destined for undercover work at a very young age, as Miss Barbara never uttered the words, “I see Vulva” when looking through her magic mirror.

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See No Evil? Decide For Yourself!

Perhaps they'll invent one that erases images from one's memory. I've a few of my Stupid Sister Viva that I'd pay to have removed.

Perhaps they'll invent one that will remove images from ones memory. I've a few of my Stupid Sister Viva that I'd pay to never see again.

It appears I’m enjoying a relaxing day at the salon, but actually darling I’m having the Retinal Scan Cam downloaded. It’s an extraordinary invention that plants a temporary “film” onto the eye’s retina so that all images I see for the next 12 hours will be downloaded onto a state-of-the-art imaging device. My eyes will essentially be cameras for the next 12 hours. Of course my location is top secret. For now… you’ll see for yourself soon enough!

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Something You’ll Never See On “The Real Housewives Of Marin.”

I was told an SUV was so 2002.

I was told an SUV was so 2002.

Not every assignment can be fabulous, darling! Here I prepare for a stint as a Marin soccer mom to break up an international narcotics ring. I do know this, those men are restless, wondering where their wives are at night. They are proving to be quite the distraction. I honestly feel sorry for them. Perhaps I can provide some comfort in my spare time…

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In The Line Of Danger. Where else would I be, darling!

Sadly, it's not my hand he was aiming for.

Sadly, it

Being a toxophilite, archery is one my favorite parts of new recruit training (along with bladework and of course fastroping). Young agents sometimes have a hard time keeping their eye on the target, so I find it helpful (and a bit more exciting for everyone) to give them a little extra something to aim for, darling.

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God save the queen, because I’m tired of doing so, darling!

Thankfully this last minute training regime means I've an excuse to avoid spending time with Lara "Empress of the Universe" Croft and her global collection of brats..

Thankfully this last minute training regime means I

I was hoping my time on this side of the pond would be pure R&R, enjoying the games as Wills & Kate’s guest. Not the case, darling!

Turns out there’s been a threat against the queen’s life, and yours truly will be planted amongst the Olympians, running re con — hence early hours extra training. Of course I maintain a rigorous fitness regime throughout the year, but these are the Olympics, darling! Even I find it difficult to keep up with their elite athleticism.

Miss Lizzy (as she refers to herself when she’s had a wee too much sherry) would be fine if she’d just stay home as usual, but she insists on attending the cycling events. I know she keeps up quite the “Oh, what a bore it is. Sports.” But let me tell you, that woman has a nasty interest in men in biking shorts (and the like). And I do mean nasty. I had to review her downloads once, when her personal computer was hacked. And what I saw is forever burned onto the back of my iris’. Even my stupid sister Viva would be embarrassed by some of the acts depicted in those files.
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