Now Hiring: Bodyguard

I’ve going to be on assignment in the middle east in a few short weeks, and the brains at ARDOR have decided that due to current unrest there, I will need a bodyguard. Can you believe that? A bodyguard!

But… I’ve warmed to the idea. Especially, I’ve warmed to the process of finding a bodyguard who meets all the demands of the job.

My first choice was naturally my protogee, “Drill Bit” Kit. But he’s deep undercover (where he does his best work); this time penetrating a rogue Arizona border-patrol militia. He sent me this snap, taken in their “secret headquarters” meeting basement. Which also doubles as a storehouse for bad ’80’s porn as well, Agent Kit reports.

Next I wanted Matti. You recall Matti from that silly “kidnapping” incident. Fortunately, we managed to put that whole thing behind us, and have grown rather close in recent months. The best thing about Matti is I wouldn’t have to train him at all. In fact, he’s taught me a few new “covert moves”, shall we say. Sadly, Matti is being deported as we speak. It seems they found out where he’s been staying. I knew I shouldn’t have mentioned it to my stupid sister Viva — who knows who she’s been talking (in her sleep) to lately. Idiot.

So, the search continues. Please send resume (along with headshot, references, and salary requirements) to vulva@vulvafervor.com