Adieu to “The King Of Porn” Bjorn

Bjorn, darling: why so much security? You couldn't even give half this stuff away.

I don’t normally take “souvenir shots” after successfully accomplishing a mission — where would I keep such an enormous collection even if I did? But I couldn’t resist this time. Because the very arrogant target swore that his walls were impenetrable.

Of course he didn’t forsee yours truly being assigned the case. And “The King of Porn” Bjorn Bjornsund isn’t quite as clever as he thought. His crime is creating / distributing / pirating porn. Now darling, of course I have no problems with the porn industry. I think that it keeps so many people healthy and happy and — so long as no one is hurt or underpaid or underage or coerced to do something they’re not  comfortable doing — really what’s the crime?

But the reason why I wanted to bring Bjorn down is he was peddling American porn. The worst! Why, American porn make carnal pleasure look downright painful (judging by the expressions on the women’s faces) and oftentime silly (and don’t even get me started on the art direction or lack thereof). Honestly, watch some Swedish porn and compare, you’ll see what I mean. The Swedes actually enjoy sex, one would assume, after watching their product. And Bjorn is Swedish / Norwegian. He’s got the greatest porn on the planet right there in his own backfjord… why peddle the worst on the market? I find his lack of taste and good judgment to be his greatest crime.

And now I must painstakingly sort through mountains and hours of evidence. Oh what fresh hell is this? I just pray that My stupid sister Viva doesn’t turn up on one of these tapes. You never know with her.

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