My Night With Kimye

They are so lucky the doors are sealed shut darling, because I as this close...

They are so lucky the doors are sealed shut darling, because I as this close...

Regrets? I’ve had ONE, in all my years as an elite peacekeeping agent, and it’s this: That I didn’t give these two a hard lesson in minding your manners (and having a little dignity, for the sake of their offspring) when I had the chance.

This photo was taken last Saturday, February 7, 2015. One night before the insipid Kanye made a fool of himself (yet again!) at the Grammy’s, attempting to steal the spotlight from my former colleague Beck.

What, didn’t you know Beck has dabbled in the field of top-secret espionage? Of course not, it’s top secret! But it’s also in the past, so I don’t mind telling you now of his little between-albums hobby — what do you think he was doing that whole time, darling? But I digress…

I was called off a top-secret mission myself to babysit the charming Kimye on their Saturday Date Night (oh, the things that are now burned on the backs of my irises). It seems I’m the only qualified bodyguard these buffoons deem photogenic enough to be seen with that poor child of theirs (beauty is not without its price, darling). Which is why they parade that poor moppet/shield with them everywhere – they know they will get a serious public spanking, to put it politely, if they step out without her.

Please excuse me, but I need to take another shower. Ever since my last encounter with them, I just feel so terribly  unclean…

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