Dinner with Wills & Kate… at a price.

Posted on August 1, 2012 by vulvafervor
I needed a dress long enough to conceal my thigh-wrap chord, just in case some fast-roping is required. One never knows how these things end..

I needed a dress long enough to conceal my thigh-wrap chord, just in case some fast-roping is required. One never knows how these things end.

James “Quantum of Lame” Bond did in fact learn that I’m in town, thanks to my stupid sister Viva’s Twitterthumbs. But I really can’t complain darling: he needs a date for his dinner with Wills & Kate, and I’ve not seen them since the weddin

g (the night of which history was made, when my stupid sister Viva and Pippa went to a club with the groomsmen and put on a pas de deux pole dance).

Of course this means I’ll need something fabulous to wear! Stella is so busy these days she couldn’t actually meet and consult on a gown, so she set aside her selections and told me to send her snapshots. She chose the orange sherbet one-shoulder one (I couldn’t agree more), and insisted we meet for a cocktail after my dinner.

If James makes even one of his tired and absurd double entendres on our date, I will not be responsible for my actions, darling.

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Stood Up — Thank God!

Posted on July 27, 2012 by vulvafervor
I pray James "Quantum of Lame" Bond doesn't learn that I'm in town...

I pray James"Quantum of Lame" Bond doesn't learn that I'm in town...

Darling, you’ve no idea how relieved I was when Lara “Empress Of The Universe” Croft had to cancel our coffee date at the last minute because (big surprise) she couldn’t find a sitter for her global collection of moppets. I’m in London to scout new talent from the most gifted pool of potential agents — world class athletes! — and she begged me for some girl time. I agreed under the condition that she not bring her brood. The noise of those brats make my stupid sister Viva’s voice sound downright mellifluous in comparison.

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No fear of flying whatsoever, darling!

Posted on July 25, 2012 by vulvafervor
Strapping in and preparing for takeoff.

Strapping in and preparing for takeoff.

I adore new recruit training season!

Here I prepare to take our top student, Pak, to an undisclosed location (hint: “remote tropical island” is in my contract) for the final phase of training — the details of which shall also remain undisclosed, darling.

Our destination.

Our destination.

Unfortunately, Pak had a little slip during a routine training drill, and remains in triage on the island. This has happened with the last few recruits, and I may have to evaluate the final phase of cadet discipline. Safety first, darling!

Returning. Solo. Again.

Returning. Solo. Again.

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Drive, darling. Drive!

Posted on June 10, 2012 by vulvafervor
A little sun, a little wind... This is just what I needed. I ask, "Viva who?"

A little sun, a little wind... This is just what I needed. I ask,

My stupid sister Viva is under house arrest –in my Malibu house, yet! — because of some ridiculous shenanigans over the Memorial Day weekend. Which means I needed to get as far away as possible before I get arrested for strangling her! This time she’s gone too far, and even a highly trained elite agent with nerves of steel can only take so much!

So how best to clear my head and recharge my batteries? With a visit to my former colleague Mario, who left ARDOR to become a professional racer. And he certainly hasn’t lost his lust for speed — we used to call him Zero-To-Sixty Back in he day!

I’d almost forgotten how much I love speed and heavy machinery (at

Mario, just before we raced off to the an undisclosed location.

Mario, just before we raced off to the an undisclosed location.

the same time, even better!) And I have to confess, skilled as I am, with Mario in the driver’s seat I feel like such an amateur! He handles like no other man I’ve known.

I think it’s time for a long overdue vacation. Besides, this is the slow season in the international peacekeeping industry. No one can resist a little fun in the sun, neither the most dangerous terrorist, nor yours truly.

Good luck in court, Viva!

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Le Détecteur de Connerie

Posted on January 13, 2012 by vulvafervor
Added bonus: it's very similar to another popular device, so I can use it discreetely in public!

Added bonus: it's very similar to another popular device, so I can use it discretely in public!

It means “Bullshit Detector.’ But that just sounds so banal, darling.
The latest from the R&D geniuses at ARDOR: Le détecteur de connerie (It means “Bullshit Detector; But that just sounds so banal, darling). It has a 5 mile range and can penetrate several building walls (it even works several stories underground, as I am testing here.  The best part: I’ll know when my Stupid Sister Viva is approaching well in advance, so I can take cover.
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My Thanksgiving Tryst Ends With A Search Party. I Never Did Care Much For Holidays.

Posted on November 30, 2011 by vulvafervor
Six hours, and search & rescue still can't pry him out of that crevice.
Six hours, and search & rescue still can’t pry him out of that crevice…

I feel just awful, darling. Well, somewhat awful. James “Quantum of Lame” Bond invited me to his remote winter retreat for a holiday tryst, for old time’s sake (with the promise he would drop the ridiculous double entendres once and for all). We dined, we drank, we enjoyed our traditional midnight Indian wrestle on the bluff… and then he asked if I wanted to see his Mighty Yule Log. I’m ashamed to say despite my elite training, I lost control — and hurled him off the cliff. Maybe this time he’ll get the message.

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“The Silver Fox”: so close!

Posted on July 23, 2010 by vulvafervor

Rule Number One: No Photographs!

I was so close to finally capturing that one creature that has managed to evade my clutches, The Silver Fox.

I picked up on his hypnotic scent at Latitude: 37°46′42.211″N Longitude: 122°23′22.052″ (quelle surprise!), and followed him to the very place where we’d met. Old habits die hard, darling.

It would be generous on my part to say he was “spying”. Either he wasn’t even trying or he’s seriously lost his touch — and I personally hope that is not the case.  There he was, shamelessly circling the Mrs. Robinson’s Society. At least he still has exquisite taste, I’ll give him that. Frankly he’s lucky I spotted him before they did — those ladies suffer neither fools nor foxes!

And so I whisked him off, somewhere more private where I could give him a refresher course in the Art of Discretion. I look forward to monitoring his progress.

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Everyone Needs A Break, Darling.

Posted on May 2, 2010 by vulvafervor
Elite service dogs "keepin' it real", as their trainer says.

Elite service dogs

When my highly trained (and surprisingly accurate) motion-detecting dachshunds indicate that they need a break from work, I find that nothing recharges their batteries quite like a relaxing game of fetch.

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My Stupid Sister Viva invented a new word: “VIVAJAZZLING!”

Posted on April 18, 2010 by vulvafervor
She'd make this her passport photo if she could.

She'd make this her passport photo if she could.

Look what just popped up in my inbox. and my smart phone. And now the home and ARDOR office phones are ringing off the hook because Little Miss Freeloader is not only crashing with me again (until I can locate one of Paris Hilton’s trustfunded exes to pawn her off on — PARIS, CALL ME!), but she also used MY CREDIT CARD to pay for it! So now I’m getting all sorts of “unusual activity” alert calls from AMEX.

The only good news is she’s been admiring herself for hours. It’s the most focused I’ve ever seen her be on anything. Anything.

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Off The Grid…

Posted on March 28, 2010 by vulvafervor
Until we meet again, nimrod local law inforcement!!!

Until we meet again, nimrod local law enforcement!!!

Thanks to idiotic local law enforcement (SFPD AMATEURS!) blowing my cover (and that of my partner, Matti) on a recent top-secret international mission, we’ve been forced deep underground until further notice.

Matti (you may recall he was my adorable captor during that kidnapping incident last spring) finds the whole thing rather amusing. But he’s from Finland, so he’s used to months of darkness on end. But yours truly was just starting to build a decent base tan! And now this crap.

Fortunately, I’ve also built a decent base wine collection, so I imagine the time spent in my custom-designed bunker/wine cellar shouldn’t be too miserable. And even my stupid sister Viva won’t be able to find me here.

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