I do wish he'd smile more
HOW WE MET: Pure coincidence: a fenderbender in Monaco. Best part: he was with his then-fiance.
MOST ANNOYING HABIT: Talks with his mouth full.
DIRTY LITTLE SECRET: Wears a girdle (but only under his tux).
SURPRISING FACT: Makes homemade ice cream.
Let's race!
Some people restore and revitalize by purging their bodies of toxins. I do so by purging my body of adrenaline. You might be surprised how much adrelaline my body can secrete. I suppose it’s why I’m so good at what I do: facing death on a daily basis (usually under indescribably terrifying circumstances), while having to maintain a facade of glamorous calm.
So when I do get some time off, I don’t want to think about glamour, or calm, or anything else that reminds me of work. I just want to have a little fun. And what better way than on my trusty Nighthawk? Sure it’s a quaint little machine, but it has such sentimental value. Merci, Georges!
At a time when so many people are unemployed, I should not be complaining about my workload. I’m fortunate to have a lucrative, exciting career that allows me to travel the world and meet the most intriguing people and attend the most spectacular international events where I am required to wear stunning designer couture; and to have an “employer” that pays all my expenses, since I need homes throughout the world in order to function efficiently.
But I’m tired. I was hoping 2009 would be a calm year so I could focus on my hobbies. I’ve registered for a class in Cessna restoration and am scheduled to get my underwater demolition instructor license (I try to give back to the community where I can). But all that will have to wait.
Sweden has begged our help in decoding some strange cyber activity. So yours truly was sent to their aid, as I blend very well among the Scandinavians. Now it’s covert training time 24/7, under night’s endless cover. They call it the land of the midnight sun. I call it the land of the midday moon. No wonder they’re so humorless. But the Swedes do know how to unwind after a full day. They live for their outdoor hot tubs, massage, and vodka. So I remain focused; eye on the prize, eye on the prize.
I must admit, the resemblance is uncanny.
Apparently I have a doppleganger in San Francisco. It’s been pointed out to me that if you visit myadultland.com, you can step inside the quaint life of someone who bears a remarkable resemblance to yours truly. I’ll have to look her up when next I visit The City By The Bay. It would be nice to spend time with a civilian for a change. Someone with a normal life.
Going deep undercover; deadline TBD. Recent strange activity, per HQ: Sudden surge in hits on www for my name, per various fringe domestic sources and INTERPOL. Upon further investigation, there’s been much cross-referencing my name and the Swedish automobile maker, Volvo.
Time for a little backstory:
Because of a recent fallout with our comrades in Sweden (who now aren’t speaking to us — though you can’t tell the difference, they’re so standoffish ALL THE TIME), HQ thinks there’s very real cause for concern. We may even be looking at a mole.
Updates to follow on a need-to-know basis.
Prepared to strike.
Another weekend, another wedding. Mine, again. This time the target was my betrothed, Rhys. One of the most menacing and clever arms dealers ever. Also the most paranoid. No weapons allowed in the reception hall by anyone other than his thugs. So I had to do the job with merely a butter knife.
And there’s no one more handy with a knife than yours truly. Even a butter knife. Fait Accompli. Word to HQ: We’ll definitely need a new dress for the next one.
Donaphin Blair will be chief photographer on the project, beginning with this shot.
The ink is dry on the deal: my long-awaited memoirs, “The Vulva Dialogues”, will be published in the fall of 2009. But that’s not all. Hollywood does not let a story as intrigueing and captivating as mine go unnoticed. The are going to begin filming as I write. It’s never been done before. I’m currently holed up in a suite at a 5-star resort (the location of which I cannot disclose) so that I might focus on the telling of my tales, reliving each extraordinary detail as I recall it.
Apparently Angelina Jolie and Uma Thurman are both frothing at the mouth to star in the film version. Though I am flattered, I cannot say the feeling is mutual in either case.
Put another way: Over My Dead Body. Mother Earth Jolie still has not returned my Kunikane (I mean really, is it a good idea to have that around with so many children running loose?). As for Ms. Thurman, well there’s really nothing I can say here until the matter of the confidentiality clause (the one she signed, not me!) is resolved.
With my brilliant agent, Gianni.
I’m getting my first taste of fame. I was assigned a bodyguard. And an agent. They even offered a personal trainer — which I thought a tad absurd. What next? It’s a whole new chapter and I’m very excited to see what the future holds. Do stay tuned…
I love the holiday season. All the worlds’ most dazzling cities are all aglitter and aglow. And when I’m lucky enough to have a mission amidst all of the winter magic, I feel like a child again. A child in an enormous, bewitching, dazzling shooting gallery. A snow globe of danger.
Last night the target was a rogue Santa Claus (ex-KGB; those guys are so bitter) in San Francisco’s Union Square during the Christmas Tree lighting ceremony. This year there’s an ice rink, so that was especially challenging, to not hit the skaters. But I did it. No collateral damage, no need for crowd control. My record remains intact.
Joyeaux Noel!
If only I had a Euro for every time I heard “Vulva, you put so many demands on your body in your line of work. How do you find balance and relief?”
It’s no mystery. The key is developing a stretching series that is right for you. I do not have time to take a class, or even do even one conventional exercise, for that matter. So I must incorporate stretching into my everyday routine. And as always, creativity is the key. Follow me, I show you.
Side Stretch: When dressing and donning my accoutrement each day, I make sure to position myself in such a way that each action requires a deep, perfectly-aligned stretch.
For example: Standing with my vanity just to my right, I raise my arms and elongate my torso. Then I lean and reach to the right (hips out to the left and parallel to the wall facing you). I lean until I am able to reach my Beretta 418. Return to where you started — alway remember, you want to elongate. Arms down, turn 180 degrees and repeat on the other side, reaching for my Walther PPK.
Go. Now you try it.
I get asked all the time: “Vulva, how do you stay so fit and attractive with such a demanding lifestyle?”
And it’s true, there’s little time for sleep and beauty treatments in my world. So one has to get creative. Fortunately, due the physically demanding nature of my work, I get a full day’s workout everyday. And on many evenings as well (when I’m lucky). I believe in jumping on every opportunity to squeeze in a little extra exercise whenever and wherever I can — you never know when that opportunity will arise again.
What it comes down to: I have absolutely no fitness tips for you, other than: get an exciting and dangerous career with constant physical demand. And of course keeping such a demanding job requires that you were blessed with amazing genes in the first place, like I was. Hope that helps.
Good luck!