The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

A peek into the world of a glamorous International Peacekeeper / Undercover Agent / Secret Weapon

Torture by Cubicle: How do civilians do it, darling!

I am currently enduring what is by far my most challenging Top Secret mission to date. In fact, I should not even be reporting at this time, doing so could compromise our position; but I feel I must, for fear I may not survive this torture.

I’ve been assigned a desk — even worse, darling, CUBICLE! — position in an international healthcare corporation that, it turns out, is a major funder of a multi-million dollar underground toddler beauty pageant “ring”. It sounds innocent enough, but trust me, things do get ugly at their events — think Romper Room meets Fight Club. Despite that, in hindsight, going undercover as a stage mother would have been far less agonizing than this.

Fun Fact: I knew I was destined for undercover work at a very young age, as Miss Barbara never uttered the words, “I see Vulva” when looking through her magic mirror.

Posted 3 days, 3 hours ago at 8:36 pm.

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See No Evil? Decide For Yourself!

Perhaps they'll invent one that erases images from one's memory. I've a few of my Stupid Sister Viva that I'd pay to have removed.

Perhaps they'll invent one that will remove images from ones memory. I've a few of my Stupid Sister Viva that I'd pay to never see again.

It appears I’m enjoying a relaxing day at the salon, but actually darling I’m having the Retinal Scan Cam downloaded. It’s an extraordinary invention that plants a temporary “film” onto the eye’s retina so that all images I see for the next 12 hours will be downloaded onto a state-of-the-art imaging device. My eyes will essentially be cameras for the next 12 hours. Of course my location is top secret. For now… you’ll see for yourself soon enough!

Posted 1 year, 11 months ago at 8:29 pm.

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Something You’ll Never See On “The Real Housewives Of Marin.”

I was told an SUV was so 2002.

I was told an SUV was so 2002.

Not every assignment can be fabulous, darling! Here I prepare for a stint as a Marin soccer mom to break up an international narcotics ring. I do know this, those men are restless, wondering where their wives are at night. They are proving to be quite the distraction. I honestly feel sorry for them. Perhaps I can provide some comfort in my spare time…

Posted 2 years, 1 month ago at 2:16 pm.

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In The Line Of Danger. Where else would I be, darling!

Sadly, it's not my hand he was aiming for.

Sadly, it

Being a toxophilite, archery is one my favorite parts of new recruit training (along with bladework and of course fastroping). Young agents sometimes have a hard time keeping their eye on the target, so I find it helpful (and a bit more exciting for everyone) to give them a little extra something to aim for, darling.

Posted 2 years, 2 months ago at 9:51 am.

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God save the queen, because I’m tired of doing so, darling!

Thankfully this last minute training regime means I've an excuse to avoid spending time with Lara "Empress of the Universe" Croft and her global collection of brats..

Thankfully this last minute training regime means I

I was hoping my time on this side of the pond would be pure R&R, enjoying the games as Wills & Kate’s guest. Not the case, darling!

Turns out there’s been a threat against the queen’s life, and yours truly will be planted amongst the Olympians, running re con — hence early hours extra training. Of course I maintain a rigorous fitness regime throughout the year, but these are the Olympics, darling! Even I find it difficult to keep up with their elite athleticism.

Miss Lizzy (as she refers to herself when she’s had a wee too much sherry) would be fine if she’d just stay home as usual, but she insists on attending the cycling events. I know she keeps up quite the “Oh, what a bore it is. Sports.” But let me tell you, that woman has a nasty interest in men in biking shorts (and the like). And I do mean nasty. I had to review her downloads once, when her personal computer was hacked. And what I saw is forever burned onto the back of my iris’. Even my stupid sister Viva would be embarrassed by some of the acts depicted in those files.

Posted 2 years, 2 months ago at 9:47 am.

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Dinner with Wills & Kate… at a price.

I needed a dress long enough to conceal my thigh-wrap chord, just in case some fast-roping is required. One never knows how these things end..

I needed a dress long enough to conceal my thigh-wrap chord, just in case some fast-roping is required. One never knows how these things end.

James “Quantum of Lame” Bond did in fact learn that I’m in town, thanks to my stupid sister Viva’s Twitterthumbs. But I really can’t complain darling: he needs a date for his dinner with Wills & Kate, and I’ve not seen them since the weddin

g (the night of which history was made, when my stupid sister Viva and Pippa went to a club with the groomsmen and put on a pas de deux pole dance).

Of course this means I’ll need something fabulous to wear! Stella is so busy these days she couldn’t actually meet and consult on a gown, so she set aside her selections and told me to send her snapshots. She chose the orange sherbet one-shoulder one (I couldn’t agree more), and insisted we meet for a cocktail after my dinner.

If James makes even one of his tired and absurd double entendres on our date, I will not be responsible for my actions, darling.

Posted 2 years, 2 months ago at 1:06 pm.

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Stood Up — Thank God!

I pray James "Quantum of Lame" Bond doesn't learn that I'm in town...

I pray James"Quantum of Lame" Bond doesn't learn that I'm in town...

Darling, you’ve no idea how relieved I was when Lara “Empress Of The Universe” Croft had to cancel our coffee date at the last minute because (big surprise) she couldn’t find a sitter for her global collection of moppets. I’m in London to scout new talent from the most gifted pool of potential agents — world class athletes! — and she begged me for some girl time. I agreed under the condition that she not bring her brood. The noise of those brats make my stupid sister Viva’s voice sound downright mellifluous in comparison.

Posted 2 years, 3 months ago at 12:00 pm.

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No fear of flying whatsoever, darling!

Strapping in and preparing for takeoff.

Strapping in and preparing for takeoff.

I adore new recruit training season!

Here I prepare to take our top student, Pak, to an undisclosed location (hint: “remote tropical island” is in my contract) for the final phase of training — the details of which shall also remain undisclosed, darling.

Our destination.

Our destination.

Unfortunately, Pak had a little slip during a routine training drill, and remains in triage on the island. This has happened with the last few recruits, and I may have to evaluate the final phase of cadet discipline. Safety first, darling!

Returning. Solo. Again.

Returning. Solo. Again.

Posted 2 years, 3 months ago at 12:16 pm.

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Drive, darling. Drive!

A little sun, a little wind... This is just what I needed. I ask, "Viva who?"

A little sun, a little wind... This is just what I needed. I ask,

My stupid sister Viva is under house arrest –in my Malibu house, yet! — because of some ridiculous shenanigans over the Memorial Day weekend. Which means I needed to get as far away as possible before I get arrested for strangling her! This time she’s gone too far, and even a highly trained elite agent with nerves of steel can only take so much!

So how best to clear my head and recharge my batteries? With a visit to my former colleague Mario, who left ARDOR to become a professional racer. And he certainly hasn’t lost his lust for speed — we used to call him Zero-To-Sixty Back in he day!

I’d almost forgotten how much I love speed and heavy machinery (at

Mario, just before we raced off to the an undisclosed location.

Mario, just before we raced off to the an undisclosed location.

the same time, even better!) And I have to confess, skilled as I am, with Mario in the driver’s seat I feel like such an amateur! He handles like no other man I’ve known.

I think it’s time for a long overdue vacation. Besides, this is the slow season in the international peacekeeping industry. No one can resist a little fun in the sun, neither the most dangerous terrorist, nor yours truly.

Good luck in court, Viva!

Posted 2 years, 4 months ago at 4:31 pm.

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Le Détecteur de Connerie

Added bonus: it's very similar to another popular device, so I can use it discreetely in public!

Added bonus: it's very similar to another popular device, so I can use it discretely in public!

It means “Bullshit Detector.’ But that just sounds so banal, darling.
The latest from the R&D geniuses at ARDOR: Le détecteur de connerie (It means “Bullshit Detector; But that just sounds so banal, darling). It has a 5 mile range and can penetrate several building walls (it even works several stories underground, as I am testing here.  The best part: I’ll know when my Stupid Sister Viva is approaching well in advance, so I can take cover.

Posted 2 years, 9 months ago at 11:07 am.

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