The Adventures of Vulva Fervor

One position I thought I'd never be in: hostage.

And I have no one to blame but myself. I’m a highly-trained elite agent. It’s my job to have nerves of steel and not be distracted and let my guard down enough to get KIDNAPPED. Even if the cause is my stupid sister Viva incessantly screeching “I lost my wallet!” (what else is new?) when we’re supposed to be on holiday in Flekkefjord. No, that’s no excuse on my part. But it’s starting to interfere with my work, which is extremely problematic. And that’s why we’re in family counseling. But I digress…

Back “on topic”, as our counselor is fond of saying: I’m making the most of the situation. I’m certain that my kidnapping is somehow tied in with the recent disappearance of several other agents, mostly from RANCOR and some from ARDOR… So my antennae is up and I’m taking notes. My Finnish is a little rusty, but so far I think my captor (Matti) is — or until recently was — with RANCOR. Which is odd… But fear not. He’s taking very good care of me. The food of course is hit-and-miss, but the vodka is  pure and chilled. And it goes without saying Finns are obsessively clean. So no rush breaking me out of here, ARDOR. I’m quite comfortable. Let me do a little more recon. I’ll use the infrared signaling device when my “mission” is accomplished.

What's a hostage shot without a NYT frontpage dateline?

On the bright side: the Jimmy Choo boots that our gadgets team (Ivan, you are a genius!!!) rigged with an emergency overnight kit works marvelously. All our fears of its functionality proved to be for naught: I was actually “typing” out the text of this entire message with my right heel’s microkeyboard while Matti was taking pictures as souvenirs. As you can see, the detail enhancement device works even better than expected. (The newspaper headline was my idea.)

Trying to find some decent Finnsheep lomein...

In fact, Matti didn’t even realize I took a picture of the picture he took (what you see at the top of this message) with the nano-camo built into the boot’s buckle. The picture I took of him ordering take-out was a test run. He has no idea of this transmission, for that matter. Boy, is he ever in for a surprise! (By the way: brilliant work on Ivan’s part to think to include an international long-distance wi-fi locator and to build one that actually works. On such short notice yet!)

There is a slight problem with the dispenser for the vitamin C Serum I requested, so I’ve gone days without product. I can feel my complexion dulling as we speak, so THAT needs to be addressed ASAP. Oh, also — still haven’t been able to open the infrared location signaler. I’m keeping it warm so its lid should loosen enough hopefully by the time I need it.

We’re enjoying an awful lot of Finnsheep (that’s a smell you never forget), so we’re definitely near Hyvinkaa. Point your own antennae in the general direction until next contact…